I broke down on FB live about how I truly felt about things early this morning. I then get people that have been giving me a hard time for a long time suddenly apologising for their attitude towards me throughout what has gone on. I do not want anyone’s sympathy. It’s not going to change anything that has happened to me. There were people who chose to be nasty to me and saw me as scum throughout everything I’ve had to go through in my life. I spent many hours alone when I needed someone to just understand things from my point of view. It is far too late now to ‘come around’ and stop ‘pulling strips off of me’ for how I feel, the way my autism/mental health problems affect me and my point of view. It’s not going to get the whole situation reversed that I didn’t deserve this time or anything in my past changed.
I have kept myself constantly busy since my son was adopted with my consent disposed of due to social workers seeing my condition in a negative light. I honestly don’t think that any of the university situation would have happened if I hadn’t still been mentally affected as badly as I was at that point. I have not stopped at all. I know that I seem cold to others in regards to my son. I have to be. There’s nothing I’d want more than for him to be still with me. But, the best I can hope for is for him to return to me after he reaches 18. This may not even happen. I will be in my mid-40s when he gets to that age. I have to spend the next 13 years ish keeping myself busy so that I don’t hurt over what happened. I’ve found that no one truly understands unless it has happened to them. I didn’t deserve it. I never did anything to my son. I’ve suffered because others don’t understand my disability. I’m not ‘bad’. I genuinely don’t understand things. Instead of teaching me and making me understand, others have punished me. I’m fed up of hearing the same crap from those that don’t have my condition. I never used my condition as an excuse. If others lived a day in my shoes, they’d understand how hard it can be, and that I certainly don’t use it as an excuse. But, I’m absolutely fed up of trying to drill it into others that this isn’t the case.
It’s hard living in a society that doesn’t understand you as a person and sanctioned because you just can’t be what others demand. Those without children cannot possibly understand what it feels like to have a child ‘removed’ because you’re not what others call ‘normal’. Until you actually have a child, you do not have the hormones needed to understand any of that. I can honestly vouch that I was sceptical about pregnancy and having children changing me as a person. It is actually true. The hormones really do change you. I was never as tearful or empathic before I went through pregnancy and having my son. I find that I’m so empathic that I feel others pain and care too much post pregnancy and having my son. It’s extremely embarrassing. I never used to be the kind of person that sees something in a film or in everyday life and just wells up with tears. That was until I became a Mother. I was even fine when I was pregnant, to the point where I thought the concept that all that sort of thing changing a person was a load of rubbish.
Also, those with children don’t understand because they still have their children with them. They can try to imagine all they like, but it’s impossible if they’ve not been in that position. Also, those that have lost children to death, may know how grief can affect their lives. But, it’s torture grieving for a child that you know is still alive and that you cannot see and possibly won’t ever see again if they don’t want to find their birth family.