There are some things I have kept inside… not completely an ‘open book’

I am aware that people may think that I am a very open person, sometimes to the point where I’m too honest and it goes against me in situations. I try not to be so honest when it will just make things worse nowadays, but that is a skill I have only just started to master. Anyway, I’m really not as ‘open’ as people think. I have an inner layer of myself that no one sees. That is the layer of me that holds on to every experience that has affected me in my life. I don’t want people to see that part of me. However, I can assure everyone that I’m not an awful person.

I used to never let on what music I liked and my interests etc because I felt that it let people access that inner layer of myself. I’m starting to be more open in that way now. I’m not sure that I wish for people to know me ‘completely’. That seems too intrusive. And I know it looks like I want to push boundaries, but that isn’t what I want. I look that way because of my Asperger Syndrome and learning disabilities. I have hidden behind that identity because I don’t particularly want people to get to know Em. Em is extremely shy and reserved. I like to socialise but not a lot. I am uplifted by being around other people, but I also find it quite tiring. I’d love to be in a relationship for company etc, but I couldn’t stand another person living with me 24/7. It’s not fair for others to say that I’m an awful person because of my behavioural issues. They were covering up who I truly was inside because I didn’t want to show who I truly was underneath.

I’m at the age where a lot of people are having children around me. I don’t want to be mean, but I find it extremely painful emotionally to handle. I do not admit this because what I want doesn’t matter, I wouldn’t be able to have it anyway.  If I had the choice then I’d have another child tomorrow. I’m not going to do that though because once you have one taken they’ll find any excuse to come in and remove the next one. I have to live a lie and deny that I wish to have any more children because of the way things are done in the system. I lost my first son due to a person falsely reporting me when I was pregnant. I was asked to sign a permission slip for information to be accessed in regards to my past. I hadn’t been in trouble for at least 9 years at that point. I had moved on with my life. However, they put babies on pre-birth plans due to historical information. I do not have a hope in hells chance now because I got into trouble again when I was mentally traumatised over everything. I’m 40 in ten years. I only have about 5 years left where I can have a child without the risk of autism etc. I wouldn’t want to risk it after that because I could pass my autism gene on if I had a child passed a certain point.

I know what the system is like. They will tell you one day you’ll be able to have a, b or c, but it will never actually happen. There will always be some excuse as to why you don’t meet the criteria to be allowed to have your desires. You’ll never be good enough to reach your goals. The fact that you have a diagnosis gives the system an excuse to continue to tell you that you cannot do aspects of life that others defined as ‘normal’ take for granted. I was never supported when I had a baby and I was technically set up to fail. Even those that are ‘normal’ need support when they first become parents. I was just continually told that I was doing things wrong. I’m sure that many first time mums are completely clueless. I had an extreme amount of pressure put on me, which is why I think I got postnatal depression. Instead of getting the help (like a lot of mums do who aren’t in the system due to disability etc), I got pushed until I messed up and my son ended up in care. I am sure the adoptive parents have been told a load of lies if it’s anything like what I uncovered on file about me. I have been treated terribly and then I’ve got punished for retaliating against the discrimination and appalling treatment by the system that I have suffered. I tried to open up to people I trusted, but all I got accused of was harassment. I wasn’t listened to or believed. They label us system kids (well I was when they put me in the system) as bad or mad and discredit us so that we will never be believed. If we try to tell others how we’ve been treated then we get charged under the harassment act. The first few times I was done under that act as a child I was trying to tell those adults that I trusted about the abuse I had suffered. It’s not possible to not be affected by abuse. There were things done to me growing up which was completely out of order. The abusers got to live normal lives and mine got destroyed by being put into the system. It would take one person to listen and not just walk away and get me into trouble to ensure that I am allowed a life and have the things I desire that the system keeps saying ‘one day’ too. But, no one ever did and I really trusted them.