I happened to help a diabetic woman to her home around the corner from myself after she asked for my help because she felt like she was going to fall over. I have been quite tearful all day and I think I may have shown it. I walked her back to her home and got invited in. I was in two minds whether to go in because I obviously do not know her. I said I had to go eventually anyway and declined an offer of a drink because I wasn’t really feeling up to anything today. I had my own health issues kicking off, which included getting shakey hands and it was so annoying because I kept dropping things. Anyway, she told me I was a good person because not many would do those kinds of acts now. I said that I didn’t feel like a good person because of things in my own life. She then told me again that I was a good person because I helped her when she really needed it. And in all honesty, I have changed as a person because I wouldn’t have had the confidence to do what needed doing and I never used to be comfortable going into other people’s houses. I just automatically did it without thinking. It felt so natural and like I’d always known how to be that way. I know that I’ve not been that way before now.
I know that the person I would like to think I was a good person won’t ever think I am. I may still have my off days, that is always going to be part of my disability etc. But, I can assure others that I am certainly not as I was when they met me. I’ve reached goals and learned skills that I never thought would be possible for me in just a few months. I was always told by everyone growing up that I could not be normal, so, to be honest, I never really tried to be ‘the norm’. I know that I still have Asperger Syndrome and learning disabilities, but I do not notice the traits in myself as much as I previously did. I believe that everything happens for a reason. And it took losing everyone and everything I valued to kick me up the backside to reach my full potential. It wasn’t pleasant for anyone involved, but the other person’s actions helped me in a way (and, of course, that doesn’t mean I want it to stay the way it is forever). I couldn’t see that before because I was too angry and hurt. They only did what they thought that they had to do. They didn’t know me well enough to see that I am all mouth when I was angry about being kicked out of university and actually would never cause them harm. I’m not the same person that they met. I was broken for a long time because I was grieving the loss of my son because his adoption had only just happened. I apparently had postnatal depression thrown into that mix too and that takes a while to shake off. There were other things going on behind the scenes too, which I’ve put a stop too since I showed that support service the door. I felt bullied and it felt like none of my feelings were being taken into account.
I was stupidly drinking alcohol quite a bit at that time. I wrote the email where I confessed my feelings to the other person that may have been a bit over the top and too quickly after meeting a new person. If it helps put anyone’s mind at rest, I love everyone when I’ve had a few drinks. There was absolutely nothing in it. The things I said in anger and a lot of the O.C.D emailing was set off when I’d had a drink too. I won’t touch alcohol now because I don’t like the way it makes me too lax in regards to my actions. I have tasted alcohol since I stopped drinking it and I absolutely cannot stand the taste now. Others may think that I am completely open, but I never let the details above be known at that time. I don’t want to be seen as the person I became when I was drinking alcohol. I can’t remember half of the things that happened, so basically can’t understand why I deserve to be punished indefinitely with an order. I know that isn’t an excuse, but that shows how much I’m not the same person. The person I am now remembers everything in great detail (well my long-term memory anyway, I have a crap short term memory sober and drunk). I have my precise mental functioning back and I’m a lot more chilled out. I don’t get anxious about things as much as I used to, I just go ahead and function more normally. I was never honest about tanking myself up with alcohol to bury how broken I was feeling. I never wanted others to know because I knew that wasn’t the normal me.
I didn’t recognise myself after losing my son to adoption. The worse thing about it was that I only drank socially before my son was born (obviously not when I was pregnant because I was careful), but as soon as that adoption judgment was made I hit the bottle every single night for a long time until very recently. I stopped drinking every night in September after the last time I appeared in court for breaking the order (the occasion where I had to spend 24 hours in a cell because the courts were so busy). I sobered up because I literally had no access to anything like that and I’ve never felt the need to drink since. I want this to be a lesson, not a forever destination (and with the order being indefinite that is how it is right now). I am a good person, but others met me I had so many issues going on around me that I just couldn’t deal with and I couldn’t numb my pain enough to function properly. It was the worse possible time to meet me. I may have got irritated by the person’s friends after having a drink too. They said things to me that really got to me though due to things in my life.
It took what happened today to make me finally be honest about why I behaved in the way I did. I don’t look like someone that would be a drinker. And, really I am not the type of person who should hit the bottle because I am an emotional and passionate to the extreme when I care about certain subjects I feel strongly about. It’s not a good combination because I literally do not care how anything comes out when I’ve had a drink and, to be quite honest, I’ve said some things when I’ve had a drink that I literally have no recollection of at all. I’ve seen video evidence of things I’ve said after having a drink and it’s scary how I have absolutely no knowledge of saying it. Now it’s out in the open. Rather than thinking I am a complete mad psycho, I’m comfortable with others knowing my secret habit that probably did fuel everything that happened. I never wanted it to come out until I knew I’d actually beaten the issue. I wanted to come out as a success story, rather than a woe is me tale. I’m sorry for the trail of destruction that I may have caused while turning to the booze, but I gave it up because I cared about the other person. I know that I let them down due to my actions on the drink combined with my Aspergers and learning disabilities. The drink amplifies any negative traits that I had. I would have never let my habit be known to them at that time because I was ashamed and thought they’d assume that was why my son got placed for adoption.
I realise that being completely honest about the thing I was ashamed of at that time may have avoided everything that happened. I never wanted to become a drinker but turned to it due to the emotional pain that I literally couldn’t shake off. It was only supposed to be a temporary solution but things kept getting worse and worse. I was a fool to believe that drowning my emotional pain would be any kind of solution because it only created more problems. The forgiveness of others would mean the absolute world to me. And, as I said above, I will never go back to it. I have no desire to go back to it. I even hate the taste of it now. I wouldn’t have said the above things if I was still drinking because it became a cycle of me, me, me and no one else’s feelings existed to me. That is what it is like when you drink regularly. You become a selfish superficial person and that is exactly how it made me. It is true that if you want to change things, then you’ll kick the habit. I know that because I managed to do that. And, all I want to do now is make up for that period of time where I was horrible while I was drinking. I just need others to let me, not judge me for how I was when I did have that habit… that none of you knew up until you’ve all read this entry. There are sides of me that I keep private. And this was one major secret that I even kept from those closest to me. I went home and drank in secret away from everyone else. The only side of me I’m totally open about is my disability etc because I use it within running the website. I know others won’t believe this because I don’t seem that way, but 75% of my life I keep strictly private. I only let 20% of me be known. This is now 30% because I just came out with something that no one but me knew.