I don’t feel that great today but at least I have had some good news. I now know that I don’t have to move. The landlord came around today and told me he’s decided not to sell. The rent is going up slightly but the council told me to give them the letter when I get notice of the rent increase and they’ll recalculate the benefit. At least I can rest in my own space without worrying about having to move. If I’m going to keep feeling like I am currently that is helpful. I need a lot of rest and time away from the outside world.
I know I’ve messed up but I’m not an awful person. I listened to my feelings too much. I didn’t do anything in malice at any point in my life. I have paid my dues for my mistakes. I would rather not have others tell me certain things that add to how stressed I’m feeling over everything that has gone on. I fully accept that I’m not good at other people’s no go areas as far as boundaries are concerned. But I’d rather others didn’t tell me I’ve destroyed another person. I’m destroyed too because it’s been a terrible situation due to external things fuelling it. Whether it’s true or not, I do not need the guilt laid on me because I’m personally suffering enough. I don’t believe what I have been told because there are others who have also told me the other person is moving on and uneffected by everything now I’ve shut up and kept my distance. I found out things by accident but I wouldn’t use that information eg. Go to see the other person because I wouldn’t like it if people did that to me. I don’t actively encourage people to visit my home because I absolutely need my own space. I have had people at mine for a few hours and been thinking to myself ‘I really hope that they go home soon’.
I’ve had to put strict boundaries in place when some neighbours started knocking on the door asking me for things because I knew that once I started letting them drop on me whenever they felt like it they’d be there more and more. When people start asking me if I can lend them money when you’ve only known then a few months I just say I have to survive on what I get and pay bills etc so I can’t afford to lend anything to others. I don’t like to see others with nothing but if I gave money to everyone that didn’t have anything then I’d lose the roof over my head etc. I really do find it difficult to not feel frustrated when I see people in that position because I hate seeing people suffer. That is why when someone tells me what I referred to above, I feel it deeply and as I’m already ill that could make me even worse. I have felt terrible for what happened for a long time and this only made me screw up more.
I’m torn between guilt and still being frustrated at all that happened. I’ve spent many nights awake over the past 6 years due to my sons adoption and then the university situation. I couldn’t switch off because it all affected me so much. I’m at the point now where I just can’t be exhausted and function like normal anymore. I became a monster trying to function with barely any sleep for 6 years. I drank alcohol on top of that. I didn’t even know that I was suffering because I’m stubborn and blocked that suffering thinking that if I kept avoiding how broken I really was it would go away. There’s absolutely no escaping it. I never grieved after losing my son to adoption, I masked how torn apart I was inside. And, eventually I could not mask anything anymore. I can feel myself crumbling mentally and physically.
I’m sorry for the mess I caused when I was trying to carry on as normal masking my emotional distress. I’m barely getting out of bed unless I absolutely have to go out and do something. I don’t feel like eating because even looking at food makes me feel like it’s too much. I go for a walk but not like I used to. I really have no enthusiasm to do anything I’ve previously enjoyed. I don’t enjoy or get happy at anything now because I’m too affected by painful memories.