I am officially starting my Christmas break now. I have my flat being repaired Friday, so the next few days are going to be spent having time to myself. I’m going to have a nap soon after doing some Maths college work. I actually slept quite well last night but woke up early because I didn’t know when my parcel was going to come. I had to replace the vacuum cleaner because mine decided to die on me last weekend. It’s not something you can do without when you’ve got pets (hair), so I didn’t want to miss it. I felt awake when I first woke up but I went for a walk earlier and I could feel my eyes blurring.
I needed to make sure that the BT Openreach engineer actually goes to my Mum’s (unlike the other day when it was a no-show). I had the intention to go over to hers and make sure everything goes to plan because I have absolutely had enough of the phone line fault. The company has been aware that there is a fault that causes the line to crackle and stops working for over a year. They’ve sent engineers out but not corrected the problem. It was urgent last week because it actually went down completely. I wouldn’t have had that accident if I hadn’t been out. And to be quite honest I wasn’t feeling well myself but I had to sort things out. I’m the only one out of me and my half sisters that lives close enough to go around and do things for Mum. Last week was an absolute nightmare. I just hope it gets fixed and would be over there if I felt able to drive today. I don’t want to take any risks after the last week. I’m going to have to accept that my health may get too bad to drive and this is something I do not want to do. I plan to keep driving my car for as long as I am able to.
I haven’t been honest with myself, let alone anyone else, mainly out of stubbornness and, in some respects, fear. I wasn’t maliciously dishonest. I can’t lie without giving things away. But, I live an independent life, even when I was in care and had support coming in. I simply do not feel like I am able to trust another person to do things for me. I have always been quite naive and don’t really understand the complex workings of society or social things. I haven’t done anything intentionally. I didn’t even realise that I was a mess when I did everything. I do feel truly terrible for things that have happened. I didn’t know that I had anything wrong with me then. Even when I saw signs of things not quite being right, I blatantly ignored them because I never wanted to face the reality that my mind was literally falling apart. The mental effects of my illness were just the beginning of what was to come. I’m now feeling some of those things that were to come afterward. I’m now weak and I hate feeling like that. I keep forgetting things. I never used to forget anything. I even have started forgetting names and that is something I was really good at previously. I hate feeling frail and weak. That isn’t who I am. I’m just like my Nana on Dad’s side, short and determined and never wanted to be seen as vulnerable. The scariest thing is that I am started to feel like an old lady and I’m only 30. I can’t walk for long like I used to and not so often. I just don’t have the energy to go the Gym. I know my weight is going increase because I can’t do what I used to be able to do. I’m already finding my jeans hard to button up. I didn’t set out to not be honest with others about what was happening, and I know now that it probably would have been better to just be honest, rather than denying it to myself and reacting the way I did out of fear. I didn’t go out to deceive, I was scared. I don’t blame those that hate me for things that have happened, I hate myself too. And I won’t ever forgive myself, so I don’t expect anyone else to do that. I’m not using the line it’s part of my illness as an excuse because I noticed the signs and ignored them because I was too cowardly to face things.