Lost : / … one of those day’s where I’m finding life frustrating.

I have cleaned and tidied half of my flat. I had to feed the cats halfway through so I’ve stopped for a break. I have done most of it. The worse bits are done. There are just a few odd bits to do tomorrow. I’m worn out. I thought that I had my energy back this morning. I now feel absolutely worn out after an hours walk and the majority of the housework. The cats have had their dinner and fallen asleep on my bed next to me. I’m just browsing online at wish.com. I don’t have money at the moment but some of this stuff is really good quality and cheap prices. I had someone tell me about it. I had five minutes to spare, so I thought I’d check it out. That is by no means an advertisement on here. I haven’t bought anything off of it yet so I can’t really make a comment. I like the fact that there are more unusual types of clothing styles on there. I used to be quite into new clothes etc. I then got depressed.

I need to get rid of half of my clothes because I do not suit some of my teenage type clothes any longer. There are things I certainly won’t wear ever again and things I know that I’ll never squeeze back into however much I diet because my shape has changed from a girl to a woman’s figure. I am hovering between a size 10 and 12. I am finding a 10 too tight, but I’m thinking size 12 is going to be more comfortable if I buy any more clothes. I don’t want to be as fuller around the middle, but dieting is so depressing. I’m just not used to having a fuller woman’s figure yet because I’ve only just started filling out. This is just the start of the filling out, 30’s spread is nothing compared to what 40’s spread could be like. I’ve always had curves and I know that they’re going to get more pronounced. In my family, the average clothes size is 12 – 14 on one side. There is a potential to get bigger if I follow in the footsteps of some of the female family members. I’d like to stop at a size 14 as I age because the thought of being bigger than that makes me uncomfortable. I hated being a size 16, even though people said I knew how to dress so I didn’t make myself look larger. I had a silver shimmery dress I wore for Christmas when I was that size. I adored that dress more than any other item of clothing I’ve ever owned. It was layered at the bottom so it disguised any of the unflattering roles of fat that I had at that size. I still have it in my wardrobe but it’s massive on me now.

I used to take pride in my clothes etc when I wasn’t depressed. I couldn’t care less about them now. I have really old clothing items that are falling to bits. The winter coat I have is an item of clothing I’ve owned since I was a teenager. I want to get rid of it because it’s starting to show it’s age and, to be totally honest, I need to get rid of everything which has the energy of my teenage years. I just don’t want to risk that anything I own has that energy left on it. I won’t be able to move on and have a life if that energy lingers into my present life. I like makeup, but I find it hard to do because I cannot line my eyes well due to my lazy eye. I try to disguise my mess up by smudging it a bit. I used to love the winged eyeliner design. I find that hard to do because my lazy eye makes details not aligned. There is stamp on winged eyeliner you can buy now but it’s not the same when it comes to blending it in with other eye makeup (used to be my favourite to mix colours together blending – especially purple/pink pastel based colours).  

I’m still feeling down and thinking there is no point. Tiredness is getting me down because I cannot do a lot. I just want a nap all the time. I feel cold and I’m in my bed with electric heated blanket on. I’m still feeling frozen. I’m hoping that 2018 is going to be the year things actually start to improve for me, but, as I said the other day, I sometimes think I’d be better off dead. I just want a chance for a whole new life without any judgement stemming from the past.  I need understanding of the things I cannot do that ‘normal’ people take for granted.