Been awake since stupid o clock and actually got a lot done.

I’ve been awake since 5am and even then I’d only had about two hours sleep before being woken up by a nightmare. I just couldn’t sleep after that. I did some college work revision and then just got up when my alarm went off. It seems like a long time since actually got up at an early hour. I got up in the afternoon during the Christmas break. I’m still exhausted but I am not keen on sleeping too much because of the nightmares I’ve started having. I know that they’ll stop after I come to terms with my past (if I ever do). I don’t believe in therapy because I’m not going to get over my past by talking to someone in a counseling capacity. I just cannot get over some of the things that have happened to me. It is extremely difficult to get over a child being taken from you and placed for adoption against your wishes because they basically used aspects of my disability against me. I’ve been treated negatively for my disability traits which I class as part of me, so then I begin to think that I’m a defective freak of a loser.

That is why I have such low confidence at the moment. I don’t have my problems so much anymore because the rehabilitation groups I was referred to via probation has helped me. However, if I’d had been offered these courses years ago when they first realised my issues then I wouldn’t have had those experiences that still haunt me. I know that I’m not the only ‘child/ vulnerable adult of the system’ that has been let down several times and had their life practically ruined by the lack of the appropriate services.

It’s extremely hard not to feel bitter and wound up by it because I see this life as a hopeless alternative compared to what I could have had with the appropriate help before I got labeled a criminal for my problems and treated negatively. I was only saying the other day to a family member during a conversation that my worse fear was to end up middle aged and not have a family or some sort of career. It would feel like I’d wasted my life and by that time if I don’t have any more children, then it would be too late for me to do so. I’d like more children if I was with someone at some point, not single. I had an awful experience in regards to the birth of my son, therefore it will always slightly be an off-putting idea. I was scared of the pain the first time around, I know what to expect now. I have a higher pain threshold now so I’m hoping that this would make it slightly less intense than it was the first time around.

Anyway, it is only a slim chance if I ever do make that decision depending on circumstances. I don’t particularly have a strong desire to be in a romantic type of relationship. I don’t believe that we all have a soul mate and I’m quite happy to be single because that doesn’t make me feel alone. I like my own company and have lived on my own for quite a few years. I just do not see the appeal of dating. There is no guarantee of a long-term relationship and always a potential to end up heartbroken when a break up does occur. I have absolutely no desire to commit to a romantic partnership (with either sex) if there is no guarantee that the investment of my time, effort, and emotions will lead to something that will materialise into a lifetime thing. I know that this sounds quite cold but I honestly don’t trust other people enough to make a commitment to someone else that will probably just walk away from me because of parts of me that do their head in.

I’m a spiritual person so I do know about the twin flame and soul mate/soul family concept. I just don’t think that I have a soul mate out there. I may have met my soul family through circumstances but never will find a soul mate. Some of us were born to be independent and not rely on anyone else. Our life circumstances have drilled that into us through a hell of a lot of pain and hurt. I don’t think my purpose is to settle down and have a family or have a long-term romantic relationship. It just doesn’t feel natural to me. I felt like my son’s sister not his Mother. There was a bond but he never felt like my child. I loved him but I never felt the emotions that they say new Mums should feel. I was so distant when he was born. I just wanted to get away all the time but I think that was more to do with the pressure that children’s services put on me to cause me to fail. I couldn’t take it because I felt that I was constantly being watched and judged for not being a good Mum. I cracked under the pressure and made mistakes which I wouldn’t make now but I was immature when I had my son. 

Anyway, I’m off for a rest now because I did a two and a half hour walk and carried a big bag of shopping back with me. I got wet because it rained on the way back. However, what really was annoying is the fact that just after I got into my flat the rain stopped. I had literally got so wet that I had to change my socks and had to put my boots on the radiator to dry.