I do not normally swear on this blog but tonight I’m just thinking screw it. Has anyone ever noticed that we cling onto things for so long and then suddenly we just think why on earth was I so unable to let things go? You know that a year ago you’d snap anyone’s head off if they mentioned certain things or people. However, now I’m just too laid back about anything to even give a damn. The worse part is that I look at myself in the mirror and don’t even see the same person. I look different since I have been ill. It’s aged me. I still look younger than I am but the child in me isn’t there now I’ve matured. I look tired all the time (a bit like I feel).
It’s taken me until the age of 30 to realise that you can care about someone without having them in your life anymore. I don’t even miss people anymore because of how my life has panned out. When you’ve lost as many people as myself due to different reasons you finally lose that part of eventually. I just have no desire to miss anyone else ever again. There is no point missing people who technically live in your past. I never thought that I’d grow up to become like this. I’m just so tired and half the time I feel like crap. I just can’t be bothered with anything that involves conflict with others anymore. I know that I shouldn’t be pessimistic but I don’t think I’ll even be here in a few years. I can feel myself getting weaker. I can’t do it anymore because I am exhausted. I don’t have the energy to care about anything right now. I just can’t do much anymore, it’s so irritating. I hate being constantly tired. I wish that I moved on with some energy because I’m always exhausted and it makes trying to do things unpleasant. I’d rather sleep all the time. I’m not depressed but just ill all the time. I can’t remember the past half of the time now therefore it’s not going to make me depressed.