I’m tormented by my past constantly. I don’t feel it when I’m medicated much. For example: I am having one of those days where I am feeling it quite a lot. It helps when someone randomly stops you on the street and tells me that I’m a really kind person for things I’ve done for animals and people that are in unfortunate circumstances. I’ve only really done that since I ended up in my own situation because I knew that if I didn’t the system wouldn’t help them. I was feeling quite bad before that because my past has been going through my head quite a lot today. Anyway, I am going to post what my reality is because at the moment it is one of those days where I am intensely feeling everything.
It isn’t helping that I’m still living in this area. I need to move away and I’ll feel more relaxed because here I’m constantly in an anxious state. The memories that I have are made worse by the fact that I’m in the same locality as to where they happened. It’s hard to create positive memories in an area that has caused me intense pain in the past. I felt completely different when I lived down south. I just can’t afford to move right now, especially now my car needs repairing. I know that at some point I will have to move away because mentally it does get to me. As I said, medication helps but it doesn’t mask it completely. I do still have nightmares etc. when I’m on my medication but not as much. The anti-depressants stops the intense feelings of fear that comes with those kinds of nightmares. The system has abused me and those that think I shouldn’t be upset about it haven’t a clue what actually fully happened in my past.
It’s like when I got annoyed about the fact that my son’s adoptive parents cannot even be bothered to reply to my letter. There wasn’t an contact agreed at the adoption hearing because the child social workers denied me that due to opposing the adoption. They’ve probably been forwarded a load of lies which I have seen on my notes but been told I cannot do anything about them. Why the hell should I suffer because of untrue things that were written by those in the system trying to cover themselves for the abuse I suffered? I was trying to be nice to the adoptive parents even though I’m hurting inside. That is extremely hard to do. The most decent thing to do if they really weren’t comfortable with being in contact with their son’s birth family would be to write back and say ‘thanks for making contact via the post room but we aren’t comfortable with being in any form of contact with his birth family while he is still a child’. I wouldn’t have even minded that. But silence is quite hurtful. I gave birth to my son. I got myself pregnant so that they can have the family life that I have been denied due to circumstances. One letter is a lot less effort than all I had to make to produce a child which makes their family. There’s part of me that thinks I should have just agreed with the adoption because I may have at least been allowed contact. I can’t do that when I know something is wrong. That is why the system abused me because I wouldn’t stand for the things that they were doing which was completely bang out of order.
There is part of me thinking that if I never became an activist type person (standing against things that were wrong etc.) then I’d not have been subjected to so much pain via the system. It would have been a much easier life. However, if I’d had this conversation with me a few years ago then I’d probably not have thought that. I didn’t have the maturity then to just walk away from things and hope that things worked themselves out in time. I would instead go right up against the source of conflict and attack it in some way. I know realise that this isn’t the right way to be. If you’re continually keeping a situation going then it never going to ever be settled. I only learned that after I lost someone I really wanted to be friends with forever. If I’d have not got that angry after being kicked out then I wouldn’t have looked like such an awful person. If I had left it a while and then returned when I got myself sorted rather than bingeing on alcohol while trying to email the other person then we might have been friends by now or at least not thinking each other are terrible people. I’m not really saying that I think that the other person is terrible. I’d just never trust them again, but it is still a negative feeling towards them. I’m not an awful person. I lashed out at them because of what I’d just been through. It was just extremely poor timing. I shouldn’t have gone to University at that point. I was more cut up inside about my son’s adoption than I realised and at that time I would have lashed out at anyone. It just happened to be the one I certainly didn’t want to lose. But that always seems to be the case from what I’ve heard.
I don’t want the other person to hate me or even be scared of me. There is no need to be. I knew information by accident because of circumstances and I’ve never gone to their address etc. Okay, there was an attempt at me trying to be nice by mentioning their birthday on a social network. That was a genuine mistake. I didn’t realise how the other person would see it. That’s not me being an awful person, but my social naivety and inexperience. It doesn’t help when other people’s friends assume that there are posts aimed at the other person when they aren’t. I just want to be on good terms with the other person. I don’t want things to stay like this but there is nothing that I can do because the order etc. is in their hands. I know that they don’t realise that keeping the order on adds to not being able to get over the trauma of my past. I just hope that they do the right thing eventually even if it’s not until they retire so that it won’t affect their job. I do hope it’s not that long but if that is the only sort of compromise I can possibly get then I’m going to have to accept it. It would be nice if it was in the next 5 years, as the first order was only for 2 years (but stupid inpatient younger me broke it). The thought of waiting 10 – 15 years upsets me because I will always miss them and that adds to trauma. I don’t want to be feeling the trauma I do now when I’m mid 40s. I don’t want to be punished that long. If the other person knew how I’d been treated before laying into them then they’d see that I don’t deserve it.