I couldn’t even get up today.

I spent most of the day in bed because I was just so exhausted. I’ve only really got up to go to print the question paper (at the library) that my tutor sent me via email because I let him know that I weren’t coming in. I’m writing this here because it is literally tipping down with rain. The weather forecast says it should have stopped by 6 pm. The library is open until 7 pm on Thursday nights so I have a few hours to be on the computers and hang around here until it stops raining.

I don’t have much hope that I’m going to pass my exams because I messed question one up on the last paper (the previous one we got given on Tuesday that he sent me the answers for via email today). If you happen to get the main part of the question wrong then you lose a load of marks. I managed to get about 4 but only because I knew how to add a percentage to a figure and how to draw a correct table (tables have took me years to master, along with bar charts). I got the scale drawing question near perfect though. That doesn’t always happen. The question in the last paper wasn’t hard compared to some of them. The one before that I messed up quite a lot because it was about designing a kitchen and the scale they gave you was harder. It is really about the questions you get given in the exam. If they are the harder ones then you just have to hope that you can just collect as many marks as possible. Then at least you’ll get a pass. It works out to half the questions right on each of the three sections. However, if you’re me, I’m normally getting the majority of two sections right and then collecting the extra marks to reach the pass mark. I’m not as awful as I previously was at Maths which is the main thing. I’m always going to struggle with problem solving based questions because that is how my disability affects me. I can do problem solving in every day life but I have to break it up into parts. I cannot think of the whole thing because my brain gets overwhelmed and goes into panic mode. As soon as I’m in that mode it makes things extremely difficult because my brain doesn’t function properly.

I got my work all covered in dirt then other day. I thought I’d lose my house (and my Mum’s house keys) and car keys (stupidly I leave them on the same key ring) when I got back to the multistory car park. I do keep getting nagged by my Mother to get my car key copied because there isn’t a spare if it gets lost. I took my whole rucksack out in the dark multistory using my phone torch to see properly. I can’t lose my keys that easily because it’s got 5 keys, all my club cards for various places, my Gym pass card and a mini teddy bear on the end of them. It is like that for a reason because I am aware of what I am like when it comes to losing smaller things. The amount of times I’ve thought that I lost something and then after buying a replacement found the lost object has happened to me so many times is ridiculous. I’m also not the kind of person that keeps my living area tidy unless the mess is starting to get in the way of functioning in every day life. I haven’t actually washed the kitchen and bathroom floor since before Christmas. That isn’t normally left that long but I’ve been so busy trying to make sure I pass my exams. I just need to sleep so much that there are things I do not get around to doing. I don’t let my living space get too bad. I know it’s getting to the point where I need to do something when I can no longer concentrate in the mess surrounding me. I spent my younger years living in chaos and can no longer function it in now. The cats don’t care because sometimes they’ll sit on top of paperwork etc.

I’ve made the excuse that I woke up ill twice to college now two weeks running, however, I can’t keep saying that. I don’t want to tell the truth because they just won’t understand. I’ve made that mistake several times over and got punished for it. I’m not prepared to be honest and have people make assumptions about me again. That makes things worse. I don’t think that things would have gone the way that they did for me previously if I hadn’t been honest. If I’d have kept things to myself then others wouldn’t have made assumptions and come to conclusions about me which isn’t true.