I finally managed to get myself to the Gym on Friday night. I hadn’t been since the Wednesday before… over a week ago. I started off keen but I can’t do it without wearing myself out. I’m not as fit as I presumed when I decided to go every two days previously. I now think it will do me more good to go every four days. I was building too much muscle and not shedding weight. I altered my Gym programme, not by much but increased weights and time on machines slightly. I get bored easily, especially when I was going every two days. I wouldn’t be going but for the fact that I want to get rid of the excess pounds I’ve put on due to comfort eating and medication combined. I really am not the ‘type’ to enjoy the Gym. If I could still eat what I wanted and be a natural size 8 then I wouldn’t be going. I keep getting others telling me that I look better with a more curvy figure, but to me that isn’t who I am. If it comes to having to make that choice where I don’t have any other options than to settle for being slightly larger framed then that I will. I’m just not going to admit defeat until I’m mid 30s at the least. Or at the end of my Gym subscription this coming August depending on my progress. I’m actually starting to lose a bit of my stomach finally. I did say the part you want to get rid of starts to come off last.
I’ve gone up on my anti depressants because I just felt like I needed the extra. I was getting depressed on 25mg, so now I’m on 50mg. I don’t agree with medication. I used to be terrible all through my younger years for deciding I didn’t need medication. I don’t think I have a choice in the long term. It maybe that my brain cannot function properly without some form of chemical backup. I had medication for epilepsy growing up, when I used to have seizures, from the age of 8 to 11. Those are the years when a child’s brain is developing. I have a horrible feeling that my brain may have got used to functioning with medication so much that it literally malfunctions without it. The levels of anxiety that I have when I’m not on medication is immense. It can still become unbearable but at least this puts a lid on it most of the time so that I do not get into meltdown mode so often. I’m also quite ADHD like because my concentration springs from one thing to another so quickly. I do actually wear myself out. I know a few people that smoke cannabis etc. I’ve had them tell me to smoke a joint and that will sort me right out. I know that I certainly wouldn’t feel stressed or uptight about anything if I tried that option. I have read that parents of people with autism have given their children cannabis oil which turned out to be effective for them (I’m not advocating this option, merely mentioning this option that has been tried).
I’ve managed to do some of my housework in sections over a couple of days. It just seemed far too much in one go. I do need a good clear out because I have so much mess around my flat. I am the type of person which keeps everything but I’ve not used it in a long time, however, I continue to tell myself that I may need to keep lots of things for literally so many random reasons.
I would just like to point out something. I had an issue raised to me about the anthologies. Well, more about the Charities that the proceeds were going to. I only promote the publications and was a material contributor to one of the anthologies. I do not have a say on which charities benefit from the profits. That’s not my decision. I have my role which is very low down when it comes to decision making. As a former activist I am informed about some of the things which were raised to me about one of the beneficiary charities. I know what goes on but the decision is totally not in my hands. I need various pieces of experience in writing and media things. I do not have a choice about decisions made above me. I do not run the project. I just promote and wrote a contribution to the fiction anthology.