I’m feeling a bit better so I’ve decided to come online for a while. The worst of my issues are over now but I’m still having Monday off. I’m still very tired and it takes a few days to make up the iron I’ve lost. Anyway, I’m tired most of the time now as it is because of things in general.
I want to explain my daily reality because people just aren’t getting that I’m scarred by what has gone on. They aren’t seeing me as I really am. I just want to go through it all so others are actually seeing certain things. I don’t know how this is going to come out of my head. And, quite honestly, I don’t care if I offend anyone with how others actions towards me have affected my daily life. It’s like living in hell and everyone always wants to take sides and say that I was completely to blame. I know that I wasn’t. I know what happened before I made my mistakes. It doesn’t change the fact that all those actions against me combined has traumatised me.
I wake up every day into a nightmare. I constantly hate myself because all that has happened and comments that people have made about me and to me. I hate myself so much I literally don’t look after myself. I ate food off of the floor after dropping it earlier because I didn’t care if I got ill from anything on that floor. There has been dogs on that floor and people’s outdoor shoes but I literally had no care for myself. It’s taken me two weeks to actually wash my hair. I haven’t even got around to bleaching it yet. I need to wait a bit longer until the rest of the red comes out my hair anyway because it’s easier to start with one base colour. That is beside the point though. I nearly left a sore on my leg to fester because I hated myself so much. I have cleaned it up now but only because it started to seep and hurt.
I just don’t want to go through another day. I wish that I had the guts to commit suicide because I cannot stand living life anymore. I’ve wrote in my diary asking my Dad to come fetch me because I do not wish to be here anymore and I’m not brave enough to take myself there. I would be hopeful that if there is such a thing as an afterlife he’ll come get me. I hate waking up every morning because I hate myself so much. I’m probably going to get dropped off at ‘hell’ when I die anyway. I feel like pure evil. I have always felt like pure evil and that has been conditioned into me because of how people have treated me for the affects of my disability. I’m hoping that eventually the painkillers that I take will release me from this existence. I want to go home and that isn’t anywhere in life. The majority of my family members are in spirit anyway so it will be just like going home as a child. Only difference is I know they’ll be in ‘heaven’, whereas, my destination is not going to be with them. I’m more than physically tired. I just can’t do it anymore. I have no enthusiasm for life whatsoever.
I just absolutely do not care anymore. I always have tears in my eyes and can’t remember the last time I smiled a true smile (instead of forced). I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t stay stuck here in a life I don’t want and live with the constant guilt of who I am. It’s distressing to constantly be haunted by things that have happened. No amount of ‘therapy’ will ever change the fact that I am now conditioned to see myself as evil. I despise myself. I see myself as the ‘princess of darkness’. I’m in a world of darkness and I have become part of it. I’m very tempted to start just start wearing all the dark emo/goth kind of stuff again (went through that kind of period from time to time and I’m pale as china so it’s easier than tanning). I do have gothic coloured nails at the moment. I would do all the make up by I’m no good at eyeliner with my lazy eye (it goes off centred and unequal). I have no patience with make up in general. I’m just a person without patience for anything. Even if I decided on some whim to be in a relationship I’d not have the patience for that either. I can’t trust another enough to ever go there anyway. I don’t need anyone because they only hurt me. Unless you wish to get burnt, it’s best not to date me because I’m pure evil and my soul probably originates from a hell like other dimension.