I’m extremely tired so this entry may not make any sense. I’m off to bed soon because I’m falling asleep. I just wanted to say this because I’m really questioning while I’m bothering anymore. I don’t feel appreciated or like anyone really cares how hard I actually work.
I wish that I had a Mother like many others do. There is absolutely no pleasing mine. I went to visit her this evening. I asked her what she thought of my hair and she proceeded to tell me that she didn’t like it. I asked her why and she goes ‘because it’s dry’. It’s not dry. That is the texture of my hair. That is why I have to put coconut into it as a daily conditioner. I don’t think I can ever be good enough. I always get insulted every time I visit her. The way she speaks to me always makes me feel like I’m a let down. Is it any wonder I tried to get someone else to ‘adopt me by force’ throughout my life just to feel like I’m not a let down and unlovable.
I regularly feel like throwing in the towel on a daily basis because my disability makes things difficult. I have put myself out there and been made a fool of several times in my life. This has all been to be loved like I see others receive from their Mothers. I have to put up with others calling me weird and seeing me as a danger because I long for the things I did not get growing up. I just don’t see why I’ve even bothered for many years. It seems like I’ve made an effort only to get absolutely nothing and abused. And, lets be honest, if my own Mother couldn’t love me… no one else ever could be even fond of me.