I managed to have a few hours sleep in my day clothes because I just felt so exhausted. I don’t feel any less tired but I managed to do a few bits that needed doing today. The car needed petrol. I also had to get lightbulbs for the car because one of the headlights and sidelights have blown. I’m hoping that my Mother’s neighbour will put them in for me as being female I do not have a clue.
I have booked a ticket to go to a Nightwish concert later in the year. Their tickets are actually a reasonable price. I’ve not been to a concert before in my life. I saw it come up via a friend on my wall today. I thought, what the hell, only live once etc. It’s only a train journey away. I book in advance to get cheaper tickets. I bought a seated ticket because I’ve never been to a concert before and standing up for 2 to 3 hours (depending on how long the set is) is difficult if you’re not used to it. Also, if my anxiety kicks off then, as I’m sitting down, I won’t ‘fall down’. I am prepared that there is going to be a lot of people there. I want to get used to being around people though. If I get ‘lost in the music’ then I will just not be aware of anything. I will just be rolling with it.
I’ve bought Kalms day and night tablets to try to just get rid of this 24/7 anxiety. I would feel so much more better about everything (however bad some of it is) if I could just have one full nights sleep. When you’ve not slept everything feels so dark and miserable. The things that I can do, which I spoke openly about in a previous blog entry, get too intense if I don’t have enough sleep. I haven’t been able to study for most of this week. The stuff I’m studying also reminds me of someone I do not really want to think about. Yes, they may have inspired me (certainly wouldn’t have considered doing a GCSE in law if I hadn’t met them), but there is a part of me that is still extremely hurt by their actions. I know it’s not probably hate in it’s purist form but it feels like that right now.
I’d be overjoyed if everything changed quite soon but I know that others won’t give me a chance. They don’t see PDA (form of Autism), they see me as an issue and an option that is too hard to take a chance on. I’d love to go back to university on the Journalism course. But, no one is ever going to let me have that reality. People have made up their mind that I’m an awful person. And all that continues to constantly bug me to the point I end up really distressed because I want people to just see me and see that I’m not an awful person. I can’t change what happened or even aspects of my PDA, but others can at least try to understand and give me a chance.