I would like to focus on growing up ‘different’. I’m not just talking about growing up with a form of Autism. There are many different things that makes me not ‘normal’. It’s not like I have anything to lose by talking in public about these things because I’m already aware that people think I’m a weirdo. I hear the gossip people spread around about me as the Chinese whispers end up coming back to me. I have people tell met things others have told them about me.
Others have to really consider if I’m finding out things said about me, how do they know that anyone they’ve gossiped with isn’t gossiping about them too. This is how it is in our area. And, I’ve already made it pretty clear to those that have made judgments about me that I’m no longer concerned with their narrow minded opinions about me. None of those people that have judged me has ever spent any extended period of time with me to be able to say who I am. I do not give a damn about what others think about the things I like or do in my life. None of those things concern anyone else. Those that don’t know the full facts have no idea what has gone on behind closed doors and how I wasn’t just reacting to things when I was younger. There is actually a current thing trending on twitter (the image below has just come up on my wall).
The Westminster Commission on Autism has actually had a debate on ‘A Spectrum Of Harmful Interventions For Autism’ today. This is after many years of those of us on the spectrum being systematically failed. It’s taken a decade or more to get this issue noticed and there has been many of us in the background pushing it out there. We’ve been up against avalanche of ignorance within every aspect of society around us for a very long time. The worse kind of ignorant attitude is when it comes from people we let closest to us. And, to be frank, on a personal level, I have had many fall outs with others because I just couldn’t get them to ‘get it’.
Anyway, swiftly back on to todays topic. As those of you that either know me or read the blog that I have certain abilities that aren’t what people see as ‘normal’. I’d like to share my earliest memory of not the dreams side of my abilities, but as I child I could also see things. It isn’t something that those of us with these types of abilities tend to be able to do after childhood. I was visiting a museum with my parents which was located in an underground passage way leading to an old air raid shelter. I remember looking at the end of the passage way. I saw a medieval looking soldier dressed in chainmail armour. I told my parents and they were like don’t be stupid there is nothing there. I looked back and he’d gone. I’ve not thought about that day for many years.
I think that I get highly anxious because I feel things constantly. Nothing is ever quiet. Walking down the street brings a huge amount of others feelings and thoughts bombarding me. This is why I do not socialise much because walking into public places can be extremely distracting and if you pick something distressing up then it isn’t pleasant. I also don’t like the intensity of socialising. I feel smothered because I can feel other people’s energy. Then there are times that I pick things up where I should really learn not to repeat it. It makes me look weird. Just like it is sometimes only okay to think something but not let it come out unfiltered. I’ve actually started treading on my own feet to try to avoid repeating things that have come into my head or that I’ve picked up in case it freaks someone else out.
I’m sure that regular visitors may recall me mentioning about a cloaked spirit type thing that used to wake me up at night for many years… before I eventually told it to get lost in very strong terms. I’m sure it’s still lingering around but it knows my boundaries quite plainly now. Anyway, I think I’ve figured out where it came from. It has only ever woken me up when I was living in this area. This is an indication that the spirit thing is hanging around more due to the location rather than following anyone in particular. My Mother and her friends tried the Ouija board when they were youngsters (back in the 60s). By what was relayed to me it sounds like they may have let a dark spirit out. Apparently, one of them told the spirit to show themselves. They saw a dark figure walk passed the window. The description of it sounds like the thing that woke me up for many years when I was living in this area. But that isn’t all. I think this spirit hung around the families of the girls that ‘let it out’. It started waking me up (well attacking me in my sleep) after my Nana (mothers side) spent a period of time at my parents home when she was ill just before she passed away. That later became my room. And when my son was born his moses basket was in that room too. I heard scratchy sounds on his baby monitor and it definitely wasn’t him moving. I had to go upstairs and lie on my bed next to him so that he could see me from his moses basket so that he would sleep. I don’t want it to keep visiting people but I’m glad that it hasn’t come back to attack me again.
The tutor at college wants me to meet with someone who I’m sure is related to the other person. They are to do with welfare in the place I go to for my Maths class. I asked the tutor straight out whether this other person was related to the other one. The first name matches to a relative of them and you can’t say that by how similar this woman looks that she isn’t who I think she may be. I asked the tutor straight out if this person was related to the other person (and I’m sure that surnames are known between each other) however they told me that they didn’t know but not to worry because they’ll be in the room when the other person comes to see me. Luckily it hasn’t happened yet because they seem to keep being off sick when it comes to the day of my lesson. The fact that the tutor is going to be in the room with us is not going to change the effects of my anxiety. I literally get jelly legs and sometimes they go from under me. On the assessment day this person walked to our table to ask a question and I’d already clocked how they looked similar they looked to the other person. I was shaky and couldn’t speak so I just nodded to answer their question.
I go to the local city (those that know me will know where I mean but I’m not wanting to give my exact location out to the whole internet) quite regularly. I know that if I ever met the other person my legs would go from under me. Either that or I will get the urge to run away. Of course, I do not want it to be the way it is currently between us forever but I made a fool of myself and everyone thinks I’m an awful person. That constantly goes through my head. I’ve never had a relationship. I made my mistakes through lack of experience and not knowing what love really was. I did not understand. That is part of PDA. I didn’t love the other person. I liked them but I shouldn’t have told them that I loved them because others don’t see love the same as friendship only. The nasty things I said wasn’t me. I was pushed really far to kick back in the way that I did. I’ve worked so hard and I do not deserve to be effectively punished for life.
I’m trying to dispel fears by being open on the blog. I want people to see that there is things that make me different. But, none of them are to be feared. Okay, when I first got into all the things above (it chose me) I was afraid. I now understand those things, therefore the fear is now not such a problem which leads to other issues. I’m not weird. There’s nothing scary about me. It took me a very long time to come to terms with what I can do without it affecting me too much.