I’ve had so many sleepless nights. I cannot stand any more sleepless nights, so I have to say what I’m going to say. I have been affected beyond repair by everything I’ve been subjected to in my life, not just currently, but in the past too. I’ve woken up screaming even when I have managed to sleep regularly. Others don’t get to paint me as an awful evil person any more. I was let down and I only reacted to what was done to me. I’m refusing to be the one labelled as an awful person when I was bullied or mistreated first.
Those that have said those things about me and tried to justify their actions towards me by showing evidence of me retaliating. At the end it’s just an excuse that others have used to let me down without feeling guilty about it. I have to go to a probation group tomorrow. It may be a therapy group, but I certainly don’t belong there. Some of the things we’ve learned should be taught to the ones that let me down.
I haven’t slept all night because I simply cannot stand how things remain. It cannot stay as it is because I need closure. I haven’t slept properly in 3 years. I cannot possibly go on with a sleep pattern like I have now. Others need to quit being selfish and refusing to compromise. It’s alright for them because they have a life. They are understood and can get things in life. Until PDA is understood (which lets face it, is very unlikely to happen for many generations to come) the likes of me won’t be allowed a career and denied a family. I have absolutely nothing. I need closure. It won’t affect anyone else negatively to let me have that. The worse thing about the last situation was that the same person who screwed me over was recommended to me that they’d help me. I was given their name before I even got to the university. Then when they ended up my lecturer by chance I couldn’t quite believe it. The things I’d heard when they were recommended to me made me feel like they’d actually support me. I was so wrong. I look at myself and I hate myself because I feel that I’m too defective to support.
The bullying and everything else I’ve experienced has led to me being unable to get close to anyone else without feeling petrified that someone will attack me in any shape or form. I can never recover from that until others do the right thing. At the end of the day, if I hadn’t been thrown out of the university, the other person wouldn’t have got those things said to them. I lashed out because I was angry and upset. As I have said, I’m petrified naturally of other people. It would also be helpful if my son’s adoptive parents write back to me. They also don’t know the full story about how I was bullied so that social services got to take him for adoption. I wish that people would believe me about the authority bullying. They just see me as the awful evil one for snapping back. I’m not. I need others to see that and do the right thing because I can’t sleep over everything. I need the closure. It’s not hard for others to do the right thing. You’d think that I was asking others for their souls or something.