I would just like to touch on tonight’s programme on channel 5. It was on quite late but it may have been a repeat. I never really watch things in the early evening. I prefer to sit down to watch whatever I find on television later on in the evening. I watched ‘My OCD Life’ and literally felt their pain. I have been at the stage where I’ve been in tears because so many thoughts are going around my head which are intrusive and exhausting. It takes so much effort to say tell yourself that the ocd side isn’t going to beat you. I kept saying to myself that I am a good person without my ocd side. But, with my ocd side, I am a bad person. I was quite cruel to myself. I basically told myself that if I didn’t get rid of that side of me, then I’d be a bad person forever.
I am diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (it has been suggested PDA in the past but not formally diagnosed). The worse part of it for me is the ocd aspects. These are the thoughts constantly telling you things which in turn completely controls your behaviour. It does get worse by stress and anxiety. The things that people did around me were counterproductive because that is all they laid onto me. I didn’t need it. It made my OCD ten times worse, which is what others didn’t want either. Other people have perceived my OCD wrongly throughout my life. I have tried to explain how it works, however, I feel that no one can understand where I’m coming from. I am aware that I’m not very skilled at explaining things because I see things in a very different perspective from an average person. I can see things very black and white, but also many details that others can’t see. I want to share how I got over my OCD thoughts and the behaviours that came with it.
OCD always manifests out of fears that we have deep rooted inside of us. We don’t even have a clue they actually exist until we really stop and think about our unconscious thought patterns. I always knew that I was quite disappointed about not having the kind of Mother that others had (I know not everyone does, but it’s how I perceived it when I saw things around me). I also would have loved to have had sisters that I was actually close to. That never happened either. Therefore the whole of my life was spent looking for others to fill that void. Every time I met someone that remotely made me feel like I’d filled that void, I messed it up because of other thoughts that went around my head. I used to fear being lonely, so I would cling onto anyone because I didn’t want to end up alone. I now do not even care about being alone. I’ve put a stop to those thoughts because I got over my fear. I’m actually the opposite nowadays. I prefer being alone. I made peace with that part of me that was still a child crying out to be loved and didn’t want to be alone. That is the only way to really control ocd.