I am quite bugged by the things that I was seemingly not told. Those things have made me look like an awful person when a bit of communication at the right moments could have avoided it all. I know that sometimes we never find the answers to certain things in life. If others respect me as a person and at least care even a little bit then they will see I deserve to know the full facts. I don’t even mind finding out the full facts through a third party. I’ve found out everything else I didn’t know previously that way. I need to put my mind at rest. I can’t stop thinking that I’m evil because of things I did during awful periods of my life. I am aware already that I haven’t been told half the things I should have been over the years.
Furthermore, I still have to put up with local gossip about me which has stemmed from others not being honest with me. I’m not the same person I used to be, regardless of what people believe. I have grown up recently. Those that have gossiped about me have actually never even bothered to make an effort to get to know me properly. I make mistakes when I first meet people because it takes me a while to get comfortable, before that point I am feeling absolutely terrified and anxious. I don’t show it, however, this is my natural disposition. The system treating me horrendously is the reason for being that way. I can never truly relax around other people. I just cannot trust another human being. I’ve told others I trusted them before, but inside I’m not believing what I’m outwardly expressing.
On a positive note, I’ve lost another pound in weight this week. I’m now 137lbs, 9 stone 11lbs or 62 kg. I’d like to get down to the 112lbs mark. I’ve got about another 25lbs to lose. In order to lose that within a year, I would need to lose 2lbs a month minimum. It is better to slowly go down because it’s more likely to stay at that level then. Diets do not work because they are a short term fix. It is all about cutting down on certain foods and eating more of the healthy type foods. I’ve struggled with my weight in the past. I’ve been as big as nearly 15 stone (size 16-18 depending on brand of clothing). Alcohol is a major factor in weight gain because I used to go out a lot drinking socially when I was that big in my early 20s.
I no longer drink alcohol because I’ve gone off the taste of it after I had an issue with it. I don’t want to turn to alcohol again. It turned me into a person that was horrible and very angry. Some of us are just not very good drunks. They do say that those of us with any form of brain injury shouldn’t drink alcohol. I’m still not great with the sweet things like Muffins. I probably could have lost 2lb this week if I hadn’t brought them back from the supermarket. I try to just stick to yogurts for sweet snacks.
I have my first law gcse exam in 24 hours. I’m more nervous about going to the exam centre than the actual paper. I just get extremely worried about not going to the right area. I know the college because I grew up here. However, I just worry about where I have to go because it is a huge campus. I assume that I will be in the exam hall with other students taking different exams because this is the time of year they take some of them. I’ve managed to get my exam printed on yellow paper so at least I know that I will be able to read it better. I even got my exam timetable sent to me on yellow paper. I’ve revised as much as I can for unit 1. I’m going to look through old exam papers tomorrow just to familiarise myself with what is expected for certain questions.