I had the best intentions to do all the housework and other things this weekend. However, they haven’t got finished again. The lack of money issues are making me really anxious and my head is all over the place. I can’t even concentrate to write the statement about how my disability affects me. I’m just so tired at this moment in time. I even sleep a lot sometimes and I still feel extremely tired. It isn’t tiredness but most likely depression. I just get so fed up of struggling because others assume I can handle things. I need someone to help me reorganise all my benefits and I don’t think the DWP will put me into the support group. I have to fill out one of those work capacity forms which my support worker filled in previously. I don’t know what they put and might get questioned if I fill it out. I feel stuck in this cycle of proving I’m worthy of monetary assistance.
I have no quality of life with the amount I’ve been left on. I have just £39 in my bank account after all the bills have come out. I have to live on that until I get paid next week. Then I still have to be careful what I spend because if I do not have a very small budget per week I go over and won’t be able to afford my rent. I have to obsessively worry about what is going in or out of my account constantly. I’m losing £10 every fortnightly payment because of the victim compensation still coming out which was awarded last time everything went to court. I am trying to make bits of money. I did an editing job online for £20. That isn’t regular work though and he’s not got any more jobs for a while apparently. I’ve been speaking to an internet web cam model site today. The money is enough and if I just want to make up enough to get by then I will only have to go on there a few hours a week. I do not have to get naked some of the girls on there just look pretty and chat to the guys that log on. I don’t feel like it’s degrading. The guys watching the girls are the one paying them, so really at the end of the day the guys are being taken advantage of rather than the girls that work on there.
It’s not a job I ever thought I’d consider. I was born with a decent body, so I may as well flaunt it. I don’t want people to think less of me. If I had a choice then I wouldn’t do this to basically financially survive. After being labelled a criminal and my record not being spent yet, I feel that no one else will employ me. Guys love looking at my body (I get compliments regularly calling me sexy etc). It might even give me a confidence boost which I really need at the moment. I’m very used to how guys talk about sexual stuff online. I’m not saying it doesn’t offend me, but I tolerate it and being paid to tolerate that kind of thing is much better than having it said to you on the internet randomly. I will always keep to limits and not go over the point where I feel uncomfortable with anything they ask me to do. I’m totally within my rights to refuse to do certain requests.