I have absolutely no desire to upset anyone else here but I simply can’t function in regards to how things are anymore. I am distressed and extremely anxious on a daily basis because of how things remain. Also, the things that were said to me by those that didn’t understand my disability has absolutely ripped me apart. I am getting to the point where I’m beginning to get beyond being able to take anymore. Everything that has happened, simply cannot stay as it is because I am getting suicidal over it. That seems like the only escape from not being able to change things because it’s in other people’s hands. I literally have been that depressed this week that I have barely been out. Only to the shop to get a drink and supermarket to get food in. I’m barely eating anyway because I don’t feel up to it.
It is unfair to keep things as they remain okay. Everything that society and others are punishing me for are to do with my disability. I didn’t chose to be born with that disability. Like someone in a wheelchair, I deserve understanding and kindness when it comes to my limitations. I’m broken beyond repair here and the only way to help me is undo everything that has happened. I know that can be done so I’m absolutely fed up of being told that it can’t be. I may have learning disabilities but I’m quite aware that certain processes can be undone by request. This is getting serious now. It’s not treatment that will help any mental health issues/trauma that I have ended up experiencing because of what has happened. An anti depressant is absolutely no consolation to others doing the right thing for me. I’m in severe emotional pain over this and no anti depressant or any pill is going to stop that. It’s not like anyone gave me a chance in the first place to even get to know me. Then how can they continue to justify that I deserve this?
I know that people assume that I am playing around to manipulate others into doing what I want. But, this is far from the case. I can’t take this daily emotional pain anymore and the way things remaining affecting me. If the other person involved has any narcissist points to their personality, I beg of them not to take them out on me anymore. I genuinely care about other people. I’m not one of the superficial one and my mistakes have been honest due to not knowing any better and being a bit backward. I’m tormented by what happened and how things remain. I cannot take things in limbo as they remain, stuck and stagnating. The affects that is having on me is causing me to be unable to function in life. I’m at a huge point where the pain inside of me is unbearable and it is affecting my physical health, not just my mental health. I just want a compromise and a reversal of everything. I have no desire for conflict. I know that I messed up but I don’t feel that it is right that I am punished forever. I’m not asking to be friends but at least on occasional speaking terms because I looked up to them a lot. I don’t want to be hated and things remaining as they are makes me feel that way. That leads me to self-loath and have no self-worth left. I can’t move forward unless others do what is in their power to fix things. It is all about talking to the right connections to reverse things and the other side is in the perfect position to do that.
I am heading towards suicide and I know that no amount of treatment will stop it unless the root causes are addressed and fixed.