I’m quite cut up emotionally right now. I have been crying for a few hours. Those that read the blog regularly most likely have come to realise that I hate any form of goodbye’s. This is due to my past experiences and the fact that my Mother never wanted me. These are referred to in the Psychology sense as ‘Abandonment issues’. I’ve learned about all the issues that I have and it comes up with that as the underlying cause. I have always had a keen interest in Psychology. That is why I do not trust professionals who actually don’t have a clue who I actually am and make wild assumptions that are way off my psychological make up.
I’ve worked out that because my Mother has always been cold and detached emotionally. I have always looked for other Mother figures and used to be unaware of how much I emotionally automatically clinged to them (which makes people feel either quite scared or smothered). I tried to tone it down, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel those horrible feelings when things happen. Autism means that change unsettles you anyway. But, with my extra issues, it makes me ten times worse. I try to be honest but I am aware that it could potentially make things worse. And, I know to others that I’m being over sensitive and completely weird. I found someone recently that I met while doing my Maths studies for level 2 functional skills. They were naturally maternal, had their own kids, was old enough to literally be my actual Mother. I have a chance to do my resit for the exam I missed some time in August.
However, the one that made me feel secure again (after everything that has gone on) is now on annual leave and will be when I go in for the resit. I will have others ringing me up to rearrange my resit. I’m very reluctant to answer my phone anyway due to anxiety, but I’m really not going to want to do the resit now. It’s the frame of mind I’ve been put in because of the news that I received via email today (re. the annual leave and the fact that they won’t be around). And, even if I end up going back there to study GCSE, I won’t see them again because they don’t teach that level. I am aware that people think it is weird. I don’t expect others to understand. But, I’ve literally felt heart broken all afternoon. I know that it is a part of life that people aren’t a constant feature because of many circumstances, nonetheless, my abandonment issues cause me extreme distress.
I just wish that others would stay and not be afraid of me because I mean them no harm. I show my fear of abandonment with angry meltdowns via written communication. I could never physically go out and harm another. The things I’ve said are born out of fear because all I see is another person leaving that makes me feel secure. Then I end up feeling totally lost and the hatred for myself beats me up inside because I feel worthless and unwanted as I did by Mother growing up. I also learned to express my fear through anger because her general temperament is anger. That is all she’s ever expressed towards us and there was never a way that me or my siblings could live up to the expectations which she had for us. Every time someone leaves my life by circumstances, then I feel those painful feelings again. I’m currently feeling so broken that I cannot eat and barely drank anything today. I’m starting to feel like just taking my life because the feelings it’s made me feel is just too painful.
Is it so much to ask for someone that makes me feel secure to actually stay in my life? And that people stop giving me a hard time for getting attached to others? I was an unwanted child by my own Mother, and I’m just wanting to fix that. All I got given was a criminal record and a load of grief from people who just make assumptions about my intentions.
Right now, I literally feel like I’m grieving for others that I won’t see again. Let down after let down and no one ever sticks around because I naturally scare them with my issues. I’m a nice person, but very insecure and lost in life. I get scared very easily because of the sexual abuse that I suffered as a youngster. I show my fear with anger but I’m not an awful person.