This morning I have realised that I cannot fight my addiction. I used to be in control and could dip in and out of taking painkillers when I felt that my body needed a break (really unpleasant things happen at that point which I won’t go into here). I can’t this time. I can’t stop even though I know it’s causing me harm. I feel like I’m powerless. I feel like another side of me is continuing to take them and I can’t control her. I can feel them slowly destroying me and it’s so distressing because I’m trying to fight that part of me. I can’t stop because this is how I’m dealing with everything that has happened. I did try to tell others what impact certain things would have on me but they didn’t listen to me at the time and proceeded to get me into trouble. I was being honest.
I was hiding my addiction but at the same time truthfully predicting how it would all impact on me eventually. The way I am affected by how things are isn’t something I can help. I got in to taking the painkillers more and more when I felt like I was a nobody to those that had rejected me. I felt like their opinion of me established my value as a human being. I felt broken and unwanted so I took them more often to mask those feelings so that I could carry on with every day life. This has resulted in me being stuck in this cycle of addiction and I know that it will accidentally cause my death before I’m 35. I can’t stop unless the root cause of it all is sorted out. That isn’t going to happen so I know that I’m heading for that outcome. I just want things to change so that I’m not turning to painkillers and slowly harming myself unintentionally. I don’t want to upset anyone else. That is something that I’ve never wanted to do. Hands up, I let my anger get the better of me at times but that was just me being so disappointed that I lost an opportunity. It was never supposed to get personal and I really don’t want it to lead to my death because it threw me into this awful addiction. I know that me and others have a very different view of what the right thing to do is, but I don’t think I can stop my addiction if things don’t change.