Another sleepless night and now I have no medication to help.

I used the week’s supply of zopiclone in 3 weeks. I knew I wasn’t allowed any further prescriptions because the GP doesn’t allow it now. And due to detoxing from the painkillers I wasn’t wanting too many chemicals interacting together at once. I have ran out now though and it is worrying me that I literally won’t sleep whatsoever. I’m just not settling because everything is bugging me. I have spent nights firmly awake because I’m that pissed off. I know that they don’t like to prescribe it now, but for some of us this medication is actually vital to be able to function and have a proper sleep pattern. Those with Autism are renowned for having sleep issues. I think that we should be allowed these prescriptions so that we don’t go insane from lack of proper sleep. It’s okay for those without an Autistic brain. They don’t ‘need’ anything to sleep. I can’t even sleep if I’ve been awake for days.

I know that people don’t believe me but I know that if things were sorted out between me and others I’d sleep with no issues. It’s just bugging me so much that it’s left as it is because I firmly don’t like it. I just want others to see that I’m not a danger or undesirable and I’m worthy to keep in touch with even if they don’t want me in their life. On principle the order being on indefinitely really gets to me. Others just can’t see why it stresses me out so much. In my eyes that order is making a definition of me. That definition is sent out into energy and that energy causes issues. There is so much more to what we can feel in life. I’m genuinely distressed over it. That isn’t because I’m some weirdo. I feel like that punishes me forever because of the disability traits that I had at the time. That is how I see it. And I’m trying to make others see how I view so that they don’t think I’m being picky or ridiculous. It’s injustice and it’s all wrong morally but socialisation and the way society is now condones this treatment. I hear that the other person helps everyone else. Why was I so undeserving? This keeps going around in my head. Like I’m lower than others because of my label and how my disability affects me. I would have come on so much if the other person had decided to help me rather than punishing me for saying stuff in anger and walking away. Psychologically they are still punishing me on a daily basis by keeping things the way they are. Counselling won’t work because the issue is solved if what I’m upset about gets solved. I could go to counselling for years but I know it won’t do a damn thing unless I see some form of justice by a lifting of the order and at least on speaking terms. 

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