So glad to be home from assessment.

There was an hour this morning when I nearly didn’t go today because I was that fed up of the benefit system. It sounds like I will get it by what was said today. That is what the assessor implied but obviously they can’t tell you their recommendations as the DWP might disagree. I don’t trust the system until I get it officially in writing in 3 weeks. You can’t count on anything unless it’s actually happened so it’s not like I’m going to spend on things I need yet. I’m keeping essential spending to an absolute minimum unless it’s things like bills or rent until I know that my income has definitely increased.

I’m going to reapply for PIP as it is quicker than waiting for the tribunal. I’m not cancelling the tribunal but I will withdraw it if I get anywhere with reapplying. I have had a change in circumstances as my depression has got that bad I don’t hardly go out now. I barely go out compared to what I used to do. Now I have to get someone to make the phone call to start off the claim for me because of my current phone anxiety. I will have to be there to give my permission to speak on my behalf. Courts trigger my anxiety so I would rather reapply on circumstances basis.

And once I am financially secure I am disappearing for a bit because as I said earlier I’m just tired all the time. I haven’t given myself a break since I lost my son to adoption. I should have done because I never knew just now not over it I actually was until recently. I can’t do the campaigning anymore without it making me stressed out because I feel hopeless to be able to change any of these things which I’ve been trying to get changed for years. It is starting to get to me and I’ve become a really angry person who fiercely hates injustice who will just let her anger unleash so easily. I would never physically hit anyone but I have a mouth on me if you get on the wrong side of me for any reason. Again, I’d be too shy to say it in person but in writing I’d be totally blunt. There are times that people deserve it but I’ll never get peace between me and certain others, which I want in the long term, if I don’t have a break from everything that irritates me. I do genuinely care about the things I’ve campaigned for but it’s emotionally damaging after more than a decade. I started too young and it became how I viewed the world which constantly makes me feel on edge.

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