I feel even more sh*t now.

I have just heard news which I actually found out is totally true and I’m so gutted because I feel responsible. I also don’t want any more hate thrown at me because I don’t feel too great due to personal things at the moment. I didn’t want someone else to lose their job despite what happened. I am still upset at certain others but I tweeted the vice chancellor and told him what an idiot he was to get rid of the person. I’m not getting involved. I am simply just stating my opinion. It doesn’t matter how much we all personally disagree with each other in certain areas. The other person inspired me as well as caused me pain. I’ll stick up for them because despite what everyone thinks I’m not an awful person. They have their negative points but we all do personally. Professionally they were a great person and that is my honest opinion which I can even state after everything that went on. I really hope that I weren’t responsible for the decisions that have been made because that is never what I wanted. That kind of thing is never going to make things better between anyone. It’s hard out here in regards to money for everyone right now. We have to support each other whether we agree with each other or not. I don’t agree with the order or the fact that they don’t want to speak to me again but I have to be supportive of that whether it’s destroying me or not. None of us meant to upset each other. That’s life. We’re all different and sometimes don’t understand where each other are coming from. I will always care but I have to accept that the other party couldn’t care less about me. 

In all honesty I have been destroyed by what’s happened and right now I am quite depressed. I can’t sleep much. Even when I do sleep I am extremely tired. I feel ten times more sh*t now that I’ve found out things that have gone on recently. I will always blame myself and others will probably blame me who have made up their mind that I’m an awful person for the issues I’ve had. I really wish that others saw the truth but I can’t make them. I was stupid but at the time I couldn’t help it. I am quite affected by my past even though I don’t show it. I didn’t realise that for a very long time. It wouldn’t help having the PDA version of Autism because it has taken me longer to see the effects due to being used to masking.

The world of Autism, especially the PDA side of things takes a lot of getting used to for everyone. I am getting used to others PDA sides. For example: an Autistic woman who always reads most of my entries told me she’d found my home address and sent me a birthday card. I haven’t got it yet so they obviously didn’t find the right address. I don’t encourage people looking up my address because it’s stepping over my private life but I know that categorising things about people are PDA traits. The only think I am very against is the likelihood that some may be brave enough to visit my home. That is a boundary I won’t allow them to cross. That is my space and all my personal things are there. I wouldn’t ever turn up uninvited to anyone else’s place or where they are (despite what others assume), so it’s important that people respect that my home is my space. Also, when it comes to touching me. No one is allowed to touch me either. I’m just far too jumpy because of anxiety. I’m also avoiding people right now because I’m not going out socialising as I’m so tired all the time. I hate the cold because as I have anaemia I feel like ice when it’s cold. The rain today has been really irritating me. I dislike winter and if that snow comes again I’m going to be even more fed up.

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