I cannot have my diagnosis delayed anymore.

I really need the support before I go down any further because I do not want to reach breakdown point. I can feel myself going that way. I feel like I’m clinging onto the edge between sanity and complete breakdown. I need the help that I can only access by getting a PDA label. I don’t have much time on my side because I’m early 30s now. I don’t want to spend the majority of my life waiting for the diagnosis because I will be too old to make a decision whether to have any more children or get a career. I’ve spent too long being let down and want to finally have some kind of proper life. I know that I’m never going to be normal but I don’t want to be issue ridden like I am currently for much longer. I can’t stand existing like this because it just isn’t me. I used to be the type of person that could go through hell and bounce back so easily. I’m no longer that resistant. Nothing used to knock me down but it has now. I don’t understand how that could happen suddenly after everything I’ve been through. Why now? It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

I keep getting told by friends of mine that I shouldn’t feel awful about someone else losing their job because it’s technically karma sorting things out. It still doesn’t make me stop feeling bad about things though. The other person may not deserve that kind of karma. I also am in absolutely no position to take the moral high ground after things I did in my past. I can’t ditch the guilt that I feel but another part of me thinks it is karma because others bullied me on their behalf. It’s true they could have supported me rather than condemning me but none of us is perfect. The events of the last few days in the local area (lcfc helicopter crash) have highlighted that we should support each other in life. The other person could help me now but I can’t make them change their mind because it has to be their decision. I do want to sit down for a chat with them because I have questions that I need answering. Why did I deserve to be imprisoned is one question. Why was I not worth helping but instead being effectively thrown under the bus? And then blamed for retaliating to that treatment by the things I said? Even if I can’t have a new beginning to have a chance of being friends with the other person. I still need to put my mind at rest by having the gaps filled by the things that only they the answer to. I don’t sleep and I’m depressed. It’s only fair to put my mind at rest so that I can get things done in my life and avoid the looming breakdown.

Advertisements