Lost right now and sleep is my favourite pastime.

I feel so lost at the moment. I just want to sleep constantly because I literally have no energy whatsoever. I’m too depressed do a lot right now. I’m starting to look like a dumpling (one of the disadvantages of lacking height) regardless of how little I eat to control my weight. I saw a carb controlling medication earlier at a decent price. I wouldn’t normally use these types of things but I’ve tried every other option. I can’t believe how my shape has just gone blobby since getting out of Prison. I got skinny in there after a month. I eat less out here and not all Carbs. I’m sure it’s stress because out here I have to do everything myself. The various crap from family. It isn’t my anti depressants due to being on a higher dosage in Prison. I need a structure which starts early in the morning and lasts until at least mid afternoon/evening. I felt better in that routine when I was inside.

I’m always tired so I can’t motivate myself to get up until a stupid hour in the day. I even don’t want to get up even at that point but I have to get things done which can’t be left not done. I have to do everything because I live on my own. I don’t get the support that I’m suppose to receive so I have to do everything when I’m not as tired. I am going to have to go to see a solicitor about the 117 section aftercare funds that I’m supposed to have to pay for support in the new year. If I want to get anything then the only option is for me to go down the legal route.

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One thought on “Lost right now and sleep is my favourite pastime.

  1. Green Time. (Outside) Early in the day, before you bother showering. Fresh air. Even if it’s just sitting outside, by opening your door, putting a pillow on the floor and hanging your feet outside the door to stare at a tree while you drink your coffee or tea. The key to benefiting from this is to STOP THINKING WITH WORDS. It’s very difficult, it is, what i consider, the basis of DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Training. Look at a bird, and DON’T think… “bird” “pretty” or “hummingbird.” Just experience what it looks like and the sounds it’s making, WITHOUT NARRATING THE EXPERIENCE WITH WORDS IN YOUR HEAD. Keep practicing this every day.
    This will sound harsh, but you are overfocused on your physical body and how it looks and feels. Medication is not magic, it can only help so much and only for so long. While it can feel like a relief to write about your stress and get support, you are churning up more energy by doing it and wearing yourself out more. Believe me, I know, because I did online therapy for several months, where I wrote long entries (and got short responses from the therapist) and while I made a few gains, I wrote so much, that I wore myself out.
    Eventually, I undid the gains I made by writing out every thought and anxiety in my head online to the therapist. It gave all my anxiety and misery MORE energy, speed and volume, and other areas of my life suffered, such as self-care and relationships with others. If you practice just having more quiet moments to yourself, without language, every day, you will be able to settle down enough to know what is best for you without needing feedback from others so much. This is ironic, because what I’m saying to you, is the advice I need to heed for myself. I always look to doctors and shrinks and teachers to advise me, when, if I’d only stop talking and oversharing and asking for advise from others so much, I might be able to settle down enough to listen to my own instincts and make, even small, better choices about how to regulate myself and be happier every day. I write this to you and wish us both, the best of luck with our challenges!

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