Slow process… ugh.

Okay, I admit that I haven’t exercised much in a few days but I still don’t feel like I’m losing weight quick enough. I have lost another pound but I still feel fat. Maybe I just see my curves as fat. I know that in some people’s eyes I’m what they see as slim. I don’t see myself as slim though. I can see every single bit of fat on me. I never feel happy with myself. I see my thighs as huge. I have extra bits on the side of my hips. I try my best but it’s not good enough. It’s like my body likes to be at a certain weight which is heavier than I’d prefer. I am taking carb blockers but I only take one dosage a day due to being slightly afraid of taking the maximum dosage (up to 6 tablets per day). I don’t know how they will interact with my anti depressants etc. The carb blockers do reduce feelings of hunger so I have ended up eating less. I feel better for eating less because I used to comfort eat. I still do it every so often but it’s all about having self control for the majority of the time. I’ve never had a great amount of that skill any way. It’s the OCD side of me. I have a natural tendency to ‘overdo’ things because that is part of who I am. I’ve done it with alcohol, painkillers and food.

I just have a self destructive streak. The things I have taken and eaten/drunk make me feel better until I gain weight or end up ill. I’m a lot better than I used to be but occasionally I have a binge on things that aren’t going to do me any good. Before I ended up in Prison I’d been abusing Painkillers for months. There was still codeine in my tests that the Prison did two days after I was hadn’t taken them. I felt great after detoxing in there for a Month. I got my energy back and started to be less ‘up tight’. I have gone backwards occasionally since but it’s easier for me to take myself off of them after a few weeks now. Christmas is the most difficult time of the year but I’m not turning to Painkillers or anything now. I’m not ‘hooked’ on them anymore. I can’t believe how well I’m doing because this time last year I was abusing Painkillers on a large scale.

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