I’m not feeling great today :( / The past is affecting me quite severely.

I woke up at 6am but didn’t get up until half 8 because I felt really numb. I found it difficult to actually wake up properly this morning. I even splashed my face with cold water but this didn’t help me feel any less zombified. I forced myself to go on a walk despite not feeling up to it. I walked nearly 7 miles. I still didn’t feel that great and I am still not feeling right now. I know it’s hormones. I always get like this a week before a monthly. I am also emotionally upset over certain things I’ve found out recently. I know that I shouldn’t let someone else’s opinion of me affect me negatively. I cannot help that I feel insulted by things others have said about me. The way people referred to me behind my back for years without me being aware.

It was awful enough being told I had to plead guilty when the whole of the University situation started. I was told to plead guilty due to something about the legal aid probably not covering a trial if I pleaded not guilty. I was also lead to believe that if I did plead not guilty the stress of a trial would be too great for me due to my Autism. If I’d have known that by me pleading guilty would set off a chain of events such as the restraining order which I broke because I felt that it wasn’t fair. It is now indefinite due to me getting upset with it. I should have gone with my instinct and pleaded not guilty so that the circumstances were revealed via trial. Instead I listened to my support service and legal representative that told me it would be easier to just plead guilty to get it done without going to trial due to how distressing it would be for me due to my Autism. I felt that it was the wrong option to take but I never realised what was being said about me behind my back at that time. It’s like when I wanted to appeal the University exclusion but my support service told me I had to say that I didn’t want to appeal. Towards the time that my support service ended I had to sign a document  to agree that they could no longer provide support in court hearings. I was backed into a corner and made to look like someone I wasn’t. If I’d have listened to my intuition then all the decisions I’d have made wouldn’t have allowed any of that to happen. I should have had the guts to go against the recommendations to make sure that my voice was heard. I didn’t which means I now have to put up with the fallout from it for life. 

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