I finally made myself go for a walk today. I walked nearly 7 miles. It wasn’t as long as my normal walks but it was a start of less laziness. I was in pain for most of the week. The last thing I felt like doing was walking miles. I told myself that I wouldn’t stop walking but I just couldn’t face it for the last week..ish. I hadn’t been for a walk in 9 days. That is rare for me. I have driven places but only to the local supermarket because I needed food. I prefer to stay in now. And… this brings me to the topic of this evenings blog entry quite nicely.
I am aware that others mean well when they tell me that I should be going out more and making more of an effort to move on. That is not how I do things. I don’t even enjoy going out anywhere nowadays. I feel like there are too many people every where. I just feel like my personal space is invaded when I go out. There’s too much coming at me from all directions. This doesn’t help me move on or feel any better. In fact when I was going out more I ended up feeling worse. I went out as normal for a very long time before I suddenly realised that I’d reached burn out mode. Burn out is something that creeps up on someone when they’re busy getting qualifications etc (which is what I was doing for the last 4 years). Emotionally, Physically and Mentally I feel worn out much more than I feel full of energy. I know that others don’t get that I have to rest quite a lot.
I’m not being lazy. I’m trying to repair myself so that burn out mode finally passes. I used to feel myself flagging on odd occasions before I reached complete burn out. I could always carry on with life at that point. I’m having to rest for days on end before I can even go for a walk right now. I am doing things around my flat in regards to tidying up/clearing out things. I even have to take regular breaks doing that. I used my last bit of energy to take the DWP to tribunal over PIP refusal after DLA was phased out. That was draining waiting for months, trying to survive on barely enough to pay rent and bills let alone eat. I did say that I was going to have a break after my tribunal. Especially if I won it because financially it gave me a bit of breathing space. I knew that after that ongoing stress I’d feel severely exhausted. I was prepared for that because I know myself.
I have always been enthusiastic in life when I’ve had the energy to do things. If I had that kind of energy again then I’d be exactly that way again. I don’t right now. I’m hoping that this isn’t a long term thing. I’m trying my best when I actually am not exhausted. That is all I can do. Also, when it comes to socialising… I like my own space a lot. I don’t feel that having friends is as much of a priority as I previously thought. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I got behaviour issues because I always wanted a friend. I’m better off in this frame of mind. I have no desire to be a social butterfly in any shape or form nowadays. That is not my ‘normal’. I am aware that it is many others ‘normal’ but it isn’t mine. I’m always going to be afraid that parts of my Autism is going to upset others and subsequently cause issues. I want to protect myself from those situations as much as possible by keeping my circle of friends small in future. I don’t want to discuss aspects of my life with others anymore because it only ends in disaster. I can’t just go out there and be the person that I used to be before everything that happened. I have lasting anxiety issues and go in and out of depression constantly. Some of us are happy with having our own space and not socialising much. We don’t want to feel like it’s being forced upon us by people constantly trying to encourage us to go out more. Even if I joined Autism groups I’d not feel like I fitted in because I’ve got additional parts of my personality that they won’t understand. I know that you’re all trying to help but I know that what I really need right now is space away from others.