I seem to be at that age where everyone is getting pregnant or have children around me. I am finding it increasingly harder to see these things around me without being negatively emotionally affected. I do feel like I’m missing out but also it’s more that it hurts when I remember that I have a child somewhere that I can’t ever see again. I don’t want to have any more children when I get to my late 30s because of the much greater Autism risk. I already gave the genetics for Asthma to my son (runs in my family and I have allergies so I must carry it but it affects the males down my fathers side). He could also have the genetics for Autism too but hopefully he dodged that condition due to having him in my mid 20s. I wouldn’t want him or any other child I may have in the future to grow up with the experiences that I’ve had due to my Autism.
I need to find my son’s adoptive parents after he reaches 18 (as well as him of course) and tell them the whole story of how he got adopted. I can’t repair anything but they need to know the truth. The official paperwork doesn’t tell them the truth. I wish they’d reply to my letter or at least find me so that I could tell them everything now. I know that it was passed onto them (or so I was told by someone at the county council) but they never wrote back. I was told that it was up to them because there was no contact order made regarding letterbox contact at the Adoption hearing. I should have turned up for the very last hearing but emotionally I didn’t want to put myself through the pain of actually hearing them grant the adoption. I feel that I let him down by not turning up and insisting that they granted a contact order for letterbox contact. I hate myself that I wasn’t strong enough to just do that last hearing.
I gave up at the last hurdle and it’s only now I’m older and more mature that I really see that as majorly letting him down. The last thing I want is to impede on my son’s adoptive parents lives. I don’t mean them no harm and I’d even let him call me Emma rather than Mum if I was part of his life. I’m hoping that one day they’ll see my blog and realise that I am no threat to any aspect of their life. I respect the decision of the court to let them adopt my son. I’m just wanting to be a tiny part of my son’s life. I may never have any more children myself (probably I won’t for sure unless my life changes beyond recognition). The chance to play a small role in his life would mean everything to me if they’d allow it. I’m genuine and honest in my intentions. I have no hidden agenda to do anything underhanded against anyone. I’m hoping that they come to me as we can legally make private arrangements between us because it is allowed albeit frowned upon.