Today is one of the time to talk day nominated by the mental health charity, Time to Change. This has happened to coincide with the anniversary of my Father’s death. He passed away 9 years ago today. I don’t know whether that is a sign that he approves of what I’m trying to do in regards of mental health awareness and understanding, but it happens to be a more difficult day for me than normal. I don’t mind. I can work with that. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss my current mental health challenges caused by PTSD symptoms and Pathological Demand Avoidance Autism.
I’m not getting a lot done at the moment because it is impacting on me quite a lot. I have managed to get better sleep but that isn’t perfect yet. I’m clearing my flat extremely slowly and cleaning it when I can overcome the feeling of things being a demand. I was supposed to get quotes for the car’s body repair job. I did in a fashion but not like my Mother wanted it done. I emailed both the two local places that did these repairs. I didn’t hear back from one of them so I lied to my Mother that I had no success with that one. Unfortunately she rang them up and they confirmed that I hadn’t been down and obviously somehow they didn’t get the email because nothing was on their system about my enquiry. I am now being frog marched down there tomorrow with the car to ask them for a written quote. I sent them a photo via email asking how much the repair would be. I would find it a lot easier if businesses replied to their emails. The other company replied via Facebook. I find it a lot less anxiety causing if people communicate with me via email than face to face.
I don’t like going out in the local community now (I don’t even walk much now) because I know that others think I’m an oddball. I live in a small area where people will talk and I don’t want to feel like I’m being discussed behind my back if I’m interacting with others in this close knit locality. That is part of the PTSD symptoms that I have acquired due to the unpleasant experiences I’ve had in this county. I will never relax enough to socialise here or even really interact with locals. Others have made it quite clear that I have not been welcome in the past because of who I am (my autism traits etc) so I’m not going to even risk issues with them nowadays. I may talk about aspects of my life on the blog but I now keep myself very private when I’m away from the internet. I barely do live video anymore unless I’m using it to straighten my hair etc. I do not allow people in my home unless I am under any legal obligation to do so (eg. landlord and those that come to maintain flat). I was previously too careless and cheap when it came to my identity. I technically served myself up on a plate to anyone that I met but at that time I couldn’t see that. I now feel that it is positive to remain a little bit of a mystery to others. I want parts of my life to feel more secure because I don’t talk about certain aspects of it with others anymore.
I don’t really have anything more to add. I won’t be doing a vlog today but I shall post up the link to my previous vlog on youtube which I recorded the last time to talk day. I will be putting them on my blogs social network pages but here is the link here just in case you’ve come across this blog via search engine.