Today has been a ‘trying’ day.

The day began on a positive note. I got the parcel that had gone walkies for a few weeks. I’ve got it charging up via USB hoping that it works by tonight. It was basically a nightlight which has a white light to read etc and then colours which you can change to create the perfect sleep environment. It is operated by touch so I’m hoping that the cats don’t treat it like a toy by putting their paws on it. I don’t want them turning the lights onto different settings during the night. I’m expecting Mister to at least try it once. That is something that he would do because of how curious and playful he can be. I’m sure Mimi wouldn’t be bothered because she only really likes playing with the ball toys if she is in the right mood. They’ve had their dinner and are both currently sleeping. Mimi is on my bed next to me and Mister is on the Sofa.

The car is still in the body repair place. I had to do my food shop on foot. I walked to Asda and back (Approximately 5 miles trip). We can go to the coop which is in the middle of both villages here but it is quite expensive. I took my ‘bag for life’ with me. However, it actually didn’t last for life because its handle broke and it just about lasted until I got home. That wasn’t the worse part of my trip on foot to the supermarket though. The iron tablets I’m on sometimes cause an upset stomach. I got severe stomach cramps while I was walking and just made it to the toilet. It was so hard to keep walking in that state but I had no choice otherwise I’d have never got where I needed to be. Luckily it went off pretty quickly but it was quite painful trying to walk with iron tablet side effects. This is exactly why I do not like taking those things because of the side effects.

I got back and received a text saying that I have been referred to telephone counselling which is difficult for me to participate in due to my Autism (anxiety when using the phone). I have said this during the telephone call I had last week to coordinate me onto the service. The problem is that they look for local face to face services first. This county doesn’t have a lot to offer in regards to face to face counselling or a lot of other services. I then had a phone call from one of the places that I had asked for a subject access request. They still wanted two forms of ID to process my request. I was told that I had to make a decision (I was putting this off). I decided not to pursue it at this time because I’m mentally not able to face anything negative that could be written about me right now. I thought that I was confident enough to go there but I started stalling, so that is how I know I’m not ready yet. I’d just rather not know all the negative stuff that has been put on file by social services, health care, police etc over the years.

I wanted to challenge it and even members of my family want me to go through with it but I know that this will be a stressful process. I don’t want to actively torture myself by reading through things. I have already got PTSD symptoms and very low self esteem/confidence right now. There is absolutely no guarantee that any legal challenge about inaccurate detrimental information would be successful anyway. That task is a hard legal case to prove because there isn’t evidence to the contrary that a court can be showed to prove that what has been written wasn’t correct. I value my mental health improving which isn’t going to happen if I go ahead with trying to obtain records about myself.

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