I feel pushed into directions not appropriate for me.

I am getting pushed into things that I’m not truly wanting to do yet. I’m not saying that I don’t want to make an effort to get into work but I don’t feel ready after the trauma of the last few years. I can’t just ‘get over it’ and start applying for voluntary positions. It isn’t as easy as that because there is always times when things just get overwhelming for me. I sometimes still don’t sleep due to nightmares and insomnia. I have to be able to maintain things if I start getting involved in any type of work. I want to be confident and more back to my former self before I take on that challenge. I don’t find that counselling helps because there is no making sense of the things that have happened in my life. I don’t think that anyone who has been treated awfully by the system can ever come to terms with those things. I’m not being difficult, just honest.

I may be settled most of the time but I still am not completely recovered. I don’t ever truly relax because I’m naturally just constantly anxious. I have to make myself go for a long walk due to the outside world being too ‘peoplely’. I get migraines if I over do things in a social capacity. I don’t want to sound lazy. I’m not a lazy person in general. I’m very determined and hard working compared to many of the unemployed people I have met in my life. I don’t spend my money on drugs etc. I spend it on essential things, e.g bills/rent/food/petrol. I do sometimes buy new things but I literally wear my clothes and use my stuff to the point where it is worn out. I’ve just ordered a new leather jacket after my previous one started falling apart after 8 years of quite frequent use. I’m only replacing it because it has got to the point where it is shredding leather every time I wear it, making a mess around my flat and in the car.

I find functioning in every day life challenging. I don’t want to be forced into something I’m not sure about just because I was referred to it by Probation. The only way I’m going to keep out of trouble is to avoid other people. If I work then I can’t avoid people which are normally the source of my troubles and stress. I go to appointments because I have no choice otherwise I’ll get into trouble. I don’t really know where I’m going in life right now but I definitely don’t want to be directed into work. I don’t like having to disclose my record. I would rather avoid it because it frustrates me that I was labelled. I’d rather be self employed eventually. This is how I can avoid having to disclose it to any potential employers. I just don’t want to think about the label and if I am applying for things then I will be have it shoved in my face again. It already makes me angry that I was labelled negatively for my Autism. I just want to avoid things that make me unsettled, that is one of those things which is going to be involved in the whole getting voluntary work due to the disclosure rules. 

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