I have just dropped in to mention a few things. These have been bugging me since they were said to me by people on and off. I am actually fed up of people telling me that I’ve had it much better than a lot of others. That maybe so, but I refuse to let others dismiss how the things I’ve experienced has affected me. I do have things to be depressed about despite having some aspects of my life better than others. I experience ptsd/anxiety symptoms for reasons that I refuse to have to justify to others. We don’t chose what traumatic experiences in life results in long term mental health issues. I have been quieter than normal for Autism Awareness Month, PDA day (15th May 2019) and Mental Health Awareness Month. I do this for a valid reason. I do not want to get into a competition about who has had the worse life. I assure you that some of the things I’ve experienced will affect my mental health for the rest of my life.
I also can’t win when it comes to the Autism aspects of life either. I am not a supporter of ABA ‘therapy’. I was brought up not being able to express my Autism though as I was told certain behaviours were rude. I was discouraged from brutal honesty or any other behaviours to do with my Autism. I then get told that I still don’t fit in because I apply that training to every day life by masking. I get told all the time that I’m not Autistic all the time because my PDA type Autism is not ‘typical’ or like some other autistic individual a person knows. I apologise if I don’t do Autism a traditional way.
Also, when I get told I am lucky because I have a Mother and she supports me being on benefits rather than tries to stop me from claiming them. I don’t have my Father any longer who I was closer to so it’s like not having a proper family anymore. I don’t take my Mother everywhere with me because she isn’t officially my carer. We live pretty much separate lives most of the time unless I visit her. I’m not lucky in the sense that I lost my own son to a forced adoption and am not allowed letter box contact. I wasn’t lucky that I was thrown into a psychiatric hospital as a teenager. I was a backward youngster on an adult ward. I was the youngest because I had just turned 18. I saw horrendous things in there and I also got attacked. I’m still haunted by some of my experiences in that place. In a way it is lucky to live off benefits, but in another way it isn’t. There is no sense of purpose living off state hand outs. I appreciate that I am able to get them because my anxiety may make working hard. I also will struggle getting a job due to having never been employed previously, alongside the criminal label.
Before telling me that I am lucky, that I should be grateful for what I have and stop with the whole woe is me blog posts, put yourself in my shoes. They may look more attractive to others in comparison to the lives of those that have it worse, however, I still experience grief over things that deeply hurt me. I’m not as privileged as it may look to outsiders. I also do not like my life being discussed between others. It doesn’t matter what you may hear about me. That doesn’t make that version being relayed to you the absolute truth. I would prefer people to directly ask me things rather than assuming that my life is a certain way. As far as still having a Parent, I won’t always have my Mother. Then I will be truly alone unless I have established friendships. This is the reality for many of those with Autism or learning disabilities. I’ve seen that reality play out in the lives of those older than me. There is one woman (learning disabled) that looks older than me locally who always goes out with her Mother. They are never seen separately. I am not like that. I never hang out with my Mother in a social capacity. I go to see her regularly but rarely go out with her unless we are shopping for specific things, e.g the paint for decorating etc or important appointments (I was told to take a witness to meetings). I get so fed up with others telling me that my life isn’t that bad. It may not be, but there have been awful periods of my life which have been complete hell. As I stated previously, I refuse to make who has the worse life experiences a competition.