I was told by other people that I would think differently as I got older. I never believed that until recently when I started to feel like I should have made different decisions in the past. I should have withdrawn from the university course back in 2014 when the mental health team there suggested that option. I should have never decided to fight the suspension. It was always going to get unpleasant and that was never going to be helpful to my situation. It wasn’t worth the fight. I couldn’t see that at the time due to being wound up after my son’s adoption had just gone through. There would then have been no knock on effects where I said things in anger that, once said, can’t be unsaid.
My loan would have been written off and I’d have no outstanding debt on my student finance account. Instead, I have not only the loan itself but now owe interest too, more than 20% of the loan and still growing. I honestly don’t see why it was so important for me to put up a fight back then. I don’t know why I was so stubborn and determined to hold on to my viewpoint. I should have backed off and tried to keep on the right side of everyone avoiding legalities. Instead, I had to act like a complete bitch.
I know that mental illness clouds a persons judgment so I therefore shouldn’t be that hard on myself for things that I decided to do during the worst times. I wish that I could make it all okay but too much has happened. I have PTSD symptoms from everything. I will need to get over those issues before anything can be repaired or salvaged. I am going to try to legally challenge that loan (including its accrued interest) but I do not think that I’ll get anywhere because they’re going to throw the actions I decided to take back in my face. I may as well try to get it written off. I have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. I’m using templates off of Martin Lewis’ website so I’m not having to pay for legal representation. The worse case scenario is that the loan remains on my account with active interest.
I don’t know if anyone has seen Casualty’s latest storyline surrounding Ruby the paramedic and Danni, a relative of a former patient that passed away. I’ve been watching it unfold over the last few months. I do not condone any Danni’s behaviour toward Ruby but I could strongly relate to some of the things that happened in the programme tonight. It relates to how I ended up with PTSD symptoms from my own experiences. Ruby being told not to respond to Danni is an approach I am firmly against. That really doesn’t help anything. It creates problems. Worse still, when she told her that this ends now and we aren’t friends. It isn’t always a good idea to say this to a person. Yes, Ruby may have promised Danni that she will make sure that she gets help. However, help can be more than just the purely professional approach of counselling, etc. The most effective help can be others not deciding to walk away. I know that in a professional capacity it is very hard to not walk away because this is the default advice a person is given in these kinds of situations. But, this is what has left me with PTSD symptoms and an inability to love myself, something that comes with lack of confidence and depression. I do not agree with the current guidelines when it comes to boundaries accidentally or even intentionally being crossed due to how the systems actions have affected me. Yes, a professional may not be allowed to ‘be a friend’ but they don’t have to be awful about it. That person, like myself, grows up into an adult thinking that they’re some kind of freak and a kind of disease that no one wants to be around. I’m sure that the guidelines were created for valid reasons but the fallout from these things causes long term psychological damage to youngsters relying on the system. Our earliest memories are parts of the system telling us that they have to pass certain things on to the Police which resulted in a lot of us getting labelled ‘criminals’. Common sense went out the window a long time ago and it remains not part of our current system. The things that I have been called and the comments made in my direction also doesn’t help my PTSD symptoms either.