I’m not even ashamed to admit that I got up late today. I needed the rest after getting up after yesterday. I even napped in the afternoon after I got back from hairdressers but I still felt worn out. I’m hoping that my blood tests result in finding a solution to the fatigue that just hits me every day. I am even worse if I fight the fatigue feeling to do every day things or premade plans. I needed to rest today. I didn’t completely get a rest because I had to send the things a few people had purchased off eBay from me. I had some washing and cleaning to do around my flat. I’ve finished those bits now. I feel so glad to sit down for a while because I was fighting the resistance to those necessary tasks today. That is probably not my fatigue but just my PDA (pathological demand avoidance type autism) trying to make itself problematic again.
Those PDA symptoms are hard to fight. I cannot describe how weird it feels to have to fight the resistance to do tasks. Then all the way through those tasks your brain is saying ‘I hate this’ until the point that it is conjuring up feelings of anxiety, depression and other negative things. It can be a form of inner torture if you aren’t strong enough mentally to not let those negative feelings affect life. This has taken me years to build myself up mentally to be strong enough to not slip into the behaviour difficulties that this type of autism can display. I have been young and I know that it takes years to master. I’m not completely there yet in my early 30s. I used to think that I could never take control because my brain was so impulsive.
The urge to do things that aren’t socially acceptable is just as strong but I try to release it in ways that doesn’t upset or offend others. Some impulses need channelling into a different route than your brain is trying to push you towards. I actually find the task resistance issues worse to tackle because I live independently and have to make sure that everything important doesn’t get put off by that side of my condition. I do find it difficult living independently but it’s better than relying on anyone else. There are times I could do with a bit of help but I don’t want the hassle of people trying to be helpful but actually making it 100 times worse due to not being able to understand the PDA type of autism.
I cannot express how difficult it can be to explain that, even if I like something/someone, my brain can still have a resistance towards things or people. The impulses to do things aren’t simply able to be shut down despite the consequences socially, legally or even economically in some circumstances. The things that happen on a day to day basis can add to an internal feeling of fire that leads to these symptoms if it gets to boiling point. The ‘drip drip effect’ is a very real concept for humans in general, even without autism. PDA type autism means that those that have this condition can’t filter out the accumulation of events that are part of the drip drip effect. It results in internal noise along the lines of feelings, anger and self hatred. Then the behavioural problems are the result of the internal build-ups caused by the everyday environment around us.