I’m not as naïve as I used to be…

I’m really not as naïve as I used to be a few years ago. If I have any more children in the future I will protect my family from anyone that tries to attack us. The malicious reporting by a certain person within the social services parents group won’t be tolerated. I will apply to the courts for an injunction to prevent these attacks. If those malicious reports start with subsequent children of mine then the individual will be breaking a court order. I will push for them to be imprisoned for breaking it too because I know that any child of mine isn’t safe without that person contained where they can’t communicate the malicious accusations. I have been far too nice in the past. I put up with a lot more than most others would have done. I will do what needs doing to protect my family life being destroyed next time. I’m not even seeing that as mean nowadays. I will never allow others to do those things to me ever again! I will no longer be a ‘soft touch’ because that makes me vulnerable to exploitation in so many ways. I deeply regret not walking away from all those that I had met in various protest activist groups when I first had my son. I had everything in life and I carelessly threw it away. I could have had a much better life. The last four years wouldn’t have happened because I wouldn’t have ever crossed paths with someone else who was purely trouble. I don’t enjoy this existance. I wouldn’t be able to handle this reality if I wasn’t on antidepressants but even they can’t take away the sadness within me about the life I stupidly threw away by being trusting of others.

I’m not in a mood at the moment. I just want to be completely blunt here. I may appear to be open and welcoming. However, I’m not going to be trusting anyone online or offline. I don’t want others to take that personally because it is down to how my life has been so far. I’m changing as a person in general. I used to at least go for a walk every day but I now stay in for some days. I need that recovery time after social contact in the busy outside world. I’m not going to try to push myself too far because that is when my behaviour problems used to kick in. I know that is a trigger and I’m not putting my brain in that position. I know that there will be challenges in that department if I have a child but I can try to adjust at that point. I am talking about right now for at least the next 6 months. I need the rest in between doing my OU course and every day life. Pacing myself is something I have to do in order to function in daily life. I didn’t even know how to do that until recently. Then I wondered why my brain never settled. I finally got rid of my migraine so I can properly relax at the moment. I do a bit of my OU study every day in two hour chunks. I can’t concentrate after that time so it’s pointless doing more hours in one go because I won’t be taking anything in. We aren’t all built neurotypically superior but society expects everyone to be regimented. Those of us with PDA type autism crumble under that rigid struture. I think that there are ways to get around the behaviour problems caused by every day demands but takes a lot of trial and error. Any official treatment developed for this type of autism is going to have to be quite individually tailored. 

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